Love is supposed to be beautiful–People describe it as comforting, magical, fulfilling. But what if love doesn’t feel that way?What if love feels like being lost in doubt, suffocating under the weight of your own insecurities? What if love isn’t warmth, but fear? Not excitement, but anxiety?
I don’t love myself—I hate myself. I hate myself so deeply that I question whether I even deserve to exist, let alone be loved. Every time something good comes my way, I can’t help but wonder, was this a mistake? Did the universe make a mistake by allowing me this happiness? The wounds from my childhood never really healed; they just lay dormant, waiting for the perfect moment to remind me that I am unworthy. And it always resurfaces when I develop feelings for someone.
You are worthy of happiness, love, and every good thing that comes your way. Believe it! Even if it takes time. Even if it feels impossible. Because one day, love won’t feel like fear. It will feel like home.
I’ve been caught in this cycle for as long as I can remember. I like someone, but instead of excitement, doubt overwhelms me. Will he like me back? Do I deserve him? Wouldn’t he be better off with someone else? Someone more confident, someone more beautiful, someone less damaged? The more I think, the more I convince myself that I don’t deserve to be loved by him, or by anyone. But the worst part? I don’t even know if I truly like him or if it’s just my past wounds speaking.
I get attached too easily. If a guy is kind to me, he speaks gently, and listens, my heart beginsto hope. My heart skips a beat, my mind starts weaving fantasies. But is it love? Or is it the deep, aching need to feel validated? I’ve wondered if this stems from my relationship with my father. Did I crave a kind of love and approval from him that I never received? Is that why I cling to the smallest gestures from men, mistaking kindness for affection? Am I just desperately seeking something I was deprived of as a child?
The problem with this is that not every kind person has romantic intentions. Some guys are just nice, genuinely nice. But I mistake their warmth for something deeper, something it was never meant to be. And when I realize that it was all in my head, the heartbreak is unbearable. I feel foolish, pathetic, and unlovable. Like I was never worthy of that love in the first place.
But what happens when someone does like me? When someone comes forward and tells me they have feelings for me? I panic. I get anxious. How can someone like me? How can someone see me—the mess that I am, the insecurities that swallow me whole, and still choose me? I convince myself they must be lying. Maybe they’re just playing around. Maybe they have an ulterior motive. Maybe they’ll leave once they see the real me. Maybe they’re only here because they feel sorry for me, because I’m some kind of a project to fix.
And if they are genuine, if their feelings are real, then why? Why would someone so kind, so full of life, waste their time on me? I don’t deserve them. They deserve someone better. Someone who doesn’t question their worth every second of the day. Someone who doesn’t carry the weight of childhood wounds. Someone who doesn’t feel broken beyond repair. So, I push them away. I look for flaws. I wait for them to mess up, to say something wrong, to give me a reason to leave before they do. It’s like I need proof that my belief is true, that no one could ever really love me.
I think a lot of this comes from how love was given to me in childhood. Love was never unconditional. It always came with strings attached. When love is conditional, when it’s something you have to earn. You grow up believing you have to be perfect to deserve it. And if you’re not perfect, then you’re not worthy. So, when love comes freely, without expectations, I don’t trust it. It makes me uncomfortable. It doesn’t make sense to me. Why would someone love me for just being me? I’m not giving them anything in return. I’m not being extraordinary, I’m not proving myself worthy. So how can I accept love when I’ve never believed I deserved it in the first place?
The only way out of this—this cycle of self-hatred, doubt, and rejection is to love yourself. And I know, it’s easier said than done. But it’s the only way. If you don’t love yourself, no amount of love from someone else will ever be enough. You’ll always question it, always run from it, always find ways to sabotage it. And self-love doesn’t mean forcing yourself to accept the things you hate about yourself. It means improving. It means becoming the version of yourself that you’ve always dreamed of, not for anyone else, but for you.
Because when you love yourself, you won’t need to chase validation from others. You won’t fall for every kind word because you’ll already believe in your worth. And when someone does love you, you’ll be able to accept it. Because you’ll finally believe that you deserve it. So, to anyone who feels like I do, lost, unworthy, afraid. I hope you find the strength to heal. I hope you find the courage to accept love when it comes to you, and even more than that, I hope you find the courage to give it to yourself first.
The world has so much to offer you. You are worthy of happiness, of love, of every good thing that comes your way. Believe it. Even if it takes time. Even if it feels impossible. Because one day, love won’t feel like fear. It will feel like home.
If you’ve ever felt the same trauma, self-doubt, and fear of love that I do, and you’re trying to heal, you’re not alone. Let’s connect on my profile at HC MUJ for more. And if you want to understand how childhood trauma shapes our perception of love, this article is for you.