How do you say goodbye to your teenage years? To your girlhood?
How do you cope with turning twenty when your whole identity has been being a teenage girl?
I have always felt like life is a series of trains that I keep trying to catch, but end up missing.
These are the questions that linger through my mind as I pen down this article, with a rock on my heart, knowing that I have just less than a month before I turn 20 and kiss my teenage years goodbye, forever.
âAlexa, play âNever Grow Upâ by Taylor Swiftâ.
Youâre only a teenager for 2665 daysâseems like a lot of time but it doesnât quite feel enough when youâre down to the last couple of them. How is one supposed to make the most of these years? I guess Iâm a couple of years too late to ask this question, just like everything else in life.
I have always felt like life is a series of trains that I keep trying to catch but end up missing. Turning 20 feels the same. Here I am, having spent two decades on this planet, with barely anything to show. I wonder if this is a universal feeling, whether this thought has crossed the mind of every person at least once.
Nostalgia, as I have learned over the years, is the most fickle feeling in the world; it makes you yearn for a time, for a feeling that never really was there in the first place. You could have sworn you wanted nothing more than to escape that feeling, yet, once it has passed, you cannot help but long for it.
I have lived out the entirety of my teen years trying to make each day one to remember, yet I have spent most of them lying on my bed, wishing for time to pass me by, to skip to a better and happier tomorrow.
Nostalgia, as I have learned over the years, is the most fickle feeling in the world; it makes you yearn for a time, for a feeling that never really was there in the first place. You could have sworn you wanted nothing more than to escape that feeling, yet once it has passed, you cannot help but long for it. As I sit here reminiscing my teen years, I can confirm nostalgiaâs mercurial nature.
If age is just a number, why is the weight of it so monumental? I read a theory somewhere that as we grow older, the percentage that each year contributes to our life keeps on decreasing, and that is why time seems to pass so swiftly once youâre older, it is also the reason why time seems to stretch on forever when you’re a child.
A year ago, I was scared to turn 19, I wanted more than anything else in the world to stop time and be 18 forever.
My teen years have been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. Iâve experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, loved and lost, grieved and made merry. I moved away for college, packed my life into boxes, and said goodbye to the city Iâd spent 19 years of my life in. I left my childhood friends behind, the people who knew me better than myself. Iâve seen the house I spent my childhood in being broken down. Iâve seen grandparents wither away with old age and the lines on my parentsâ faces deepen. Iâve changed myself too, from a shy, introverted girl who did not know the sound of her own voice, to a confident young woman who isnât afraid to speak her mind.
The years have passed away like sand in an hourglass, but now I can feel the weight of them on my shoulders. As life turns into fleeting moments, I find myself grappling to hold onto the slivers of my childhood- the books I used to read in bed, bracelets exchanged with friends Iâve lost over the years, worn-out clothes, and souvenirs from journeys that feel like a lifetime ago. All these thingsâ reminiscent of a life well lived, one full of love and loss.
Iâve learned some difficult lessons along the wayâlike how failure is a side effect of trying and change the only constant, how your mental peace is the most important thing in the world, how some people are only there for a small part of your life, and that although momentary, these bonds are valuable too. Iâve learned to enjoy the little things in life, like the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair, the smell of my motherâs tea, and the chill of the autumn airâŠ.because these are what make life worth it.
I have also learned that Iâm not good at goodbyes; endings make me uncomfortable and sentimental. I guess that is what life isâ a series of uncomfortable endings.
As I turn 20, and say goodbye to my teen years forever, I leave you with the most important lesson I’ve learned this year, I know now who likes 19 candles on a cakeâ a person whoâs turning 20.
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