‘Can I ask you a question?’ has been my version of a shield I have taken out, in protection against a constant enemy: my fear of asking questions. I found that it was easier to approach my actual question with this preface, which is quite ironic since it is also a question in itself. While it can be a polite thing to do, I realised that the question only placed my audience in an uncomfortable position, because they can’t really say no, can they? At this point, the question is really a rhetorical one, a coping mechanism for my genuine fear of questions.
The other day, I saw a vacant table in a study area at school but I couldn’t use it. Why? It didn’t have a chair and I had to ask someone from another table if I could use the empty one at theirs. I recall standing and staring at the vacant table from afar for a good minute or two, contemplating if I should just find a study spot elsewhere or muster up the courage to ask the person at the other table for their chair. When I lived in my hometown, I always had someone with me to sort of push this difficult question-asking situation onto. My friends would do it for me at school, or my parents would help me with it in an outside-of-school scenario. I now find myself in another city, spending most of my time on my own, having to deal with situations like this alone.
It might come across as silly to some. ‘What’s there in asking?’ is something others have asked me numerous times. Well, I found that whenever I find myself in a situation where I need to ask someone something, my body is gripped with fear while my mind analyses the 35838 outcomes that could occur. When I need to ask a professor a doubt, I have the fear of looking incompetent. What if my question is silly? Asking a boy out on a date is a similar never wrecking scenario that many of us are too familiar with. What if he doesn’t see me the same way? I’ve also been afraid to order at Kopitiams. Being new to Singapore, sometimes I just don’t know how to, but I have to ask. But what if I hold up the line? When one moves to a new place, there are bound to be a gazillion questions that pop up. Questions whose answers might seem second nature to some. There’s the embarrassment that stems from that. I’ve wanted to ask which side of the pavement I should walk on, what a particular Singlish term means, and if it’s ok to take refills at a free-flow dispenser at fast-food joints?? I’ve found that this fear manifests itself in my online persona as well. I find myself holding back from questions even on platforms like Reddit or Quora where I am more or less a Jane Doe. And all that stood between me and the answers to these questions was my fear of asking them. I eventually end up procrastinating over things mostly to shake off this gripping fear. I’ve let this fear take control of my decisions in a way.
I once watched this movie called We Bought a Zoo. A quote from this movie is something my mother reminds me of whenever I find myself unable to move past the question-asking fear. The lead of the movie says “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.”. Of course, easier said than done, but recently I’ve found myself going after things I want keeping this quote in mind. I lose control of my body in that 20 seconds and it really does take all of me to bring out this embarrassing bravery but in doing that I’ve found something that triumphs over the fear and that is clarity.
I’ve found that living in darkness is a shame, while I could be living in the light and clarity I get from getting my question answered. The bigger fear I should have is the lack of information or knowledge or even closure that I get from my unanswered questions. I decided to remove the fear of other people’s opinions from the equation. Would they think I’m silly/incompetent/strange? Maybe, but so what? There isn’t quite a real consequence, and to that, so be it. The clarity I get instead, regardless of their 10 second impression of me, would go a long way. If holding back meant not having a peace of mind or losing a precious opportunity, then it’s time I re-evaluated my fears and priorities. While implementing the 20 seconds of courage rule is daunting, I’ve found so much joy post-fear.
As the year comes to an end and we think of our New Year resolutions, I hope that I can ask as many questions as I want, and live life with clarity, without a care for judgement, and without the lingering regret of ‘what if’.