The first line of my dating profile mentions the term ‘firstborn’, as if to allude to all the connotations and stereotypes that title holds. When I was five years old, I was given a new lifelong role—the older sister—and I could not have been more excited to take on that role. In all my home videos from 18 years ago, you see me introducing myself as not Sanjana, but as my brother’s older sister. It is still a role that I am proud to hold, but it is undeniably a role that changed the course of my life forever, in a way that can never be reversed.
One of the first things I remember being told to keep in mind as I took on this role was that my actions were being watched like a hawk by my baby brother. I had to keep in mind that he would mimic my actions, so I had to be on my best behavior all the time and set a good example. As someone who is highly sensitive and very emotionally open, being told to hold back fears or emotions was something I was very conflicted with. I have an irrational fear of birds and panic at the sight of one. When I did panic, I recall being told not to do so because my brother was going to panic because of me. Sure enough, he did. While the request to bottle up a fear is something I still see as unreasonable, my brother wasn’t actually afraid of birds. For my brother’s sake, therefore, I end up putting on this facade of being okay even when I’m not subconsciously. He is now an adult himself, and he is well aware of what’s right and wrong. However, when I make a decision that I know isn’t the best, I worry if my brother will think it’s okay, and how it may impact him. This constant worry has become so instilled in me by my parents that it seems like a framework my mind works in that I can’t break out of.
I was a late bloomer in terms of typical teenage experiences. I didn’t have my first sleepover until I was twenty years old. There were certain battles I chose not to fight as I just wasn’t a fan of confrontations. When I knew that my parents would probably not allow me to do something, say go to a party, I’d immediately decline the invitation, or decline it, stating that my parents had refused to allow me, without even approaching my parents about it. While I sat back, fearful of confrontations breaking fragile and peaceful harmony at home, my brother became my ardent ally as he grew older, standing up for the both of us, without a single fear. This made me feel guilty, though, because I felt like as the older sibling, that was my job; to protect my brother and I.
When I attended my brother’s school shows, my mother and I pointed out parents we were certain were first-time parents. First-time parents were the over-zealous parents who arrived hours early to the show to get that front seat with their camcorder in hand, taping every second. We’d share a giggle about it, but the truth was, my parents did the same years ago. They were front row at all my annual days or sports days. My baby photo albums were thicker too. They were definitely a lot more enthusiastic about my first milestones than they were with my brother’s. This, of course, can be attributed to them experiencing parenthood for the first time with me and them perhaps being a lot more prepared as parents with my brother. I know they made a conscious effort to make sure I didn’t feel left out with the birth of my brother, and at the same time, ensured that my brother didn’t feel left out during times I may have been given the spotlight, like when I was moving out. However, there were inevitable repercussions to this no matter how hard they tried, to my brother and I both. For example, I find the need to be affirmed of my parents’ validation of my work. A ‘good job’ or ‘we are proud of you’ are things I yearn to hear whereas my brother doesn’t.
All in all, I’d say the stereotypes of the older siblings are true for the most part. There are certain expectations placed on the older sibling, academic and beyond, and it is assumed that the younger sibling will follow. These have lifelong repercussions in shaping our personalities and how we function. My brother and I are yin and yang. As we grow older, we see how different we are in the way we look at and take on life, even though we grew up in the same house. The differences also mean that we are able to support each other and learn things from each others even as adults. That being said, one of the most important and fulfilling roles I will have the privilege of taking on in this life is that of a sister to my baby brother, and you will find me proudly introducing myself as my brother’s sister for as long as I can just as I did when he first came into this world.