A quick browse through Netflix got me watching a recently released fairy tale-esque fantasy/drama ‘The School for Good and Evil,’ and, spoiler alert: it’s about friendship and the love between friends. The movie heavily appealed to the fantasy-obsessed teen in me, but also got me thinking about how everything from the internet to the media to the public’s general opinion today leans heavily towards the romanticization of friendships – with commonly-used expressions like ‘ride or die,’ or ‘bros before hoes,’ implying that romantic relationships are fleeting but friendships last a lifetime. It’s a refreshing change from the era of glamorizing romantic relationships, but the idea that (best) friends stick with you for life may very well leave you feeling hurt and confused if you are ever in the face of a friendship breakup, simply because it isn’t explored enough. Nobody tells us that it is normal to lose friends throughout our lives, especially the ones we imagined would surf the waves of life with us till the end.
Most of the friends we make are the ones we meet on a daily basis – we attend the same classes as them, or went to the same school or university. In other words, the friends you make are usually people growing with you through life in ways not so different from yours – you share a lot of the same routines, joys and struggles. Let’s say you find that you have gone off on a tangent and begun a new routine, surrounded by new people and circumstances, maybe because you have gone overseas to work, while your friend is still a student. Clashing schedules and different time zones make it even harder to catch up with them, you may no longer relate to them, and ultimately, you may lose a friend. No one’s growth is linear, and no two people can grow in parallel for long, so knowing this, bear in mind that it is natural for someone to lose or outgrow a friend, simply because of one’s personal growth and journey.
Another aspect of friendships that can be easily overlooked is the expectations friends set up for each other; think about the ones you may have for your own friends. It could be little things like meeting up before a lecture for lunch or waiting for each others’ classes to end to catch the train home together. It could also be something important to you, something that aligns with your inner values – take for example – transparency, honesty, respect and earnest communication. If these expectations are consistently not met, you may more or less call the friendship one-sided, kind of like an unrequited love (which it kind of is, if you think about it). If a friend still fails to meet expectations after healthy communication, it may be time to throw in the towel and let the friendship die, knowing you did your best to communicate your needs.
Of course, there may be countless reasons behind the end of a BFF era, and no matter what it is, it’s bound to hurt, and you’re bound to miss your friend just the way you’d miss an ex. We can draw parallels here and say it’s safe to reach out to a lost friend if you know your friend is okay with it, and if it’s healthy for your peace of mind and theirs. If you find it difficult or fruitless to salvage what’s left of a faded friendship and attempt to revive it to its previous glory, know you are not alone. With time, you may learn to cherish the good memories you had together (cliche, I know, but you can’t deny it), and maybe even reflect on your growth during and after the friendship
Whatever be the outcome and the circumstances, in the face of a friendship breakup, I strongly stand for taking a little extra time for yourself in precisely the same way you would do if you broke up with a romantic partner. Stay in, stock up on ice-cream, and binge on The Office. Hit the gym if that’s your jam, maybe even go for a wild haircut with a pink mohawk. Talk to loved ones, a therapist; stay in touch. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of a friend’s presence, which once may have been a brilliant source of comfort and joy, and for a future that may never be the same without it.
It’ll be hard, close to impossible to replace, let alone find similar friends to the ones you have lost. People that we meet in our life always make little engravings in our hearts, signs saying “I was here” with varying depth and size, that stay with us as we grow. You may or may not realize how our close ones impact the way we live life and interact with our surroundings, but we tend to have a knack for subconsciously picking up on traits and qualities we admire and imbibing them. It may be the habit of stopping to admire the colors in the evening sky. Think of it as people permanently staining you with vibrant colors as they enter your life. Take joy in this imagery, and in the fact that there are plenty of opportunities out there for you to share your colors with people and receive more to add to your canvas. In other words, once you find it in yourself to do so, put yourself out there! There are plenty of ways to meet new people, be it joining a club, trying out an app, or simply suggesting meeting up with acquaintances more frequently to get to know them better. Most importantly, continue to stay true to yourself and committed to your own values and growth, and good friends will find you.