“The biggest lesson I’ve learnt from university life is giving up.” When I tell others this, it often conjures up a few uncomfortable giggles; and understandably so — we’ve been raised in a system that condemns giving up, because it implies incapability, laziness or failure. Instead, we are told that we should do as many things as we can, for as long as we can.
But after seeing many of my friends — as well as myself — spread themselves thin over an almost humanly impossible number of commitments, neglect their health for school and extracurriculars, and burn out halfway through the semester, I began to doubt this entire culture of work (and overwork). Surely, given all that we know about the adverse effects of stress on health, we shouldn’t be living like this for the rest of our lives?
Since I’m studying Psychology, I conveniently developed an interest in finding ways to navigate the pressures of university life without driving myself to the ground. All of these ways, inevitably, led to the notion of “giving up”.
Now, before you decide this article is trying to get you to just throw up your hands and say, “I’ll stop doing anything!” My definition of “giving up” is not that of inaction, of jeopardising your future or stunting your growth; rather, it’s about actively choosing your battles and focusing your strengths on what matters — even if you think that everything matters. That’s why I’ve titled it as an “art”: it’s a tricky practice that requires you to relinquish the ego and continuously learn.
Accepting your limitations: NOT a case against ambition
In an episode of The Psychology Podcast, best-selling author and journalist Oliver Burkeman says, “We are all very, very limited and finite in our amount of time and in our control over it, we put a lot of effort into avoiding the confrontation with that fact, and actually, we’d be happier and more productive and have more peace of mind if we confronted it a little bit more.”
This comment deeply resonated with me, and in my opinion is the starting point of a wise, nuanced approach to “giving up” and focusing your energy on what truly matters. That is, to accept that we are not superhuman. Today’s media are brimming with new techniques to biohack the brain and body, new technology we can use to exploit every second of our lives, and new systems to achieve an ever higher productivity.
Being ambitious is a very human thing; but as Burkeman said, ambition is better done when you can accept the reality of your limitations. For example, you might want to write a book outside of your 9-to-5 job, but instead of actually doing it, you’re constantly looking for ways to “increase your efficiency” in clearing the mundane tasks in your job — so that you can have time for the book — but find yourself left with no energy to write at all.
If we stop believing in the egotistical myth that we can be superhuman and do everything all at once, and accept the fact that we have limitations, we’ll have a much easier time giving up things that matter less and choosing more meaningful battles to fight.
Using the same example, once you simplify your choices to either focusing on your 9-to-5 and stop stressing out over the vague ambition of writing a New York Times bestseller, or asking for a lighter workload at the office so you can focus on writing the book, you’re much more likely to take action.
But how would you know which one to give up — your current job or your dream of being a writer? What if you give up the wrong thing? Let’s talk about it in the next section.
Being comfortable with opportunity costs and regrets
Modern-day success stories often work on the premise that someone found the best possible path amid the less valuable ones — often in the form of dropping out of school but winding up with a massively successful company — but in more everyday scenarios of decision-making, we may never know if we’ve made the best choice.
How would you know, for example, if you did the right thing by going to one school instead of another? Or dating one person rather than someone else? Or staying with your family instead of relocating to another country for a better-paying job?
The scariest part about giving up on one thing, in order to make room for another, is the possibility that what you’ve given up may actually be more valuable. This loosely translates into what economists call “opportunity cost”: the next best option, or what you miss out on by forgoing an alternative. And should we mess up our calculation of opportunity costs, we might face the most daunting emotion of them all — regret.
There’s no shortage of motivational quotes urging us to live life with “no regrets”, but regret is in fact a powerful emotion that helps us achieve better outcomes in the future. In a 1994 study, psychologist Neal Roese found that counterfactual thinking, or reflecting on the might-have-beens, can lead to more successful behaviours in people. Similarly, Dan Pink, author of the book The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, argues that in order to pay attention, we must learn to ignore; and regret — feeling that we shouldn’t have paid attention to something — teaches us what to ignore.
Think about a decision you made that you still regret — isn’t it acting as a guide for your current actions? Aren’t you more mindful with similar decisions now? So rather than fearing regret, be comfortable with it, because it reminds us of what we truly want in life; and by giving up certain things, without the fear of regret, we can achieve what we really desire.
…And loving yourself, regardless
Finally, figuring out what you want and what to give up is an intricate art, so don’t beat yourself up if you have not yet perfected it.
Many of us are at the crossroad of life, where we have to make lots of important decisions about career, relationships, and even our identity. In my opinion, the most dangerous thing we can do is not choosing the “wrong” thing, but letting ourselves get consumed by the fear of choosing the wrong thing. I wrote this article not just to advocate for giving up on certain things so that you can focus on others, but also for giving up on the idea that there’s a singular “best version” of yourself or the life that you need to live out.
Regardless of what you choose — or not choose — at this perhaps confusing juncture of your life, remember to treat yourself with kindness, and allow yourself to evolve in ways that you may have never imagined before. And in case no one has told you yet: I’m proud of your determination to pursue whatever it is you’re pursuing, and even prouder of your bravery to give up what you need to sacrifice.