In the name of peak vulnerability during a confusing time in my own life, let’s talk about love, or at least the version of it we think we know in our early twenties. I’m 21 (turning 22 this fall), and if there’s anything I’ve learned about dating so far, it’s that it’s messy, confusing, thrilling, and, more often than not, a lesson in self-discovery rather than some fairytale ending. There have been crushes that never turned into anything, relationships that felt like they should’ve lasted forever, and mistakes that were both painful and necessary. So, here’s what I’ve learned along the way.
- Love Won’t Fill the Gaps in Your Life
There’s this idea that finding the right person will somehow complete you. But no amount of love can patch over personal insecurities or a lack of direction. A relationship should add to your life, not be the foundation of your happiness. If you’re looking for someone to “fix” you, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Focus on becoming whole on your own, and love will complement that—not define it.
2. You Can’t Love Someone into Loving You Back
No matter how much effort you put in, how patient you are, or how many chances you give someone, you can’t force them to love you. You deserve someone who chooses you just as much as you choose them. If they’re hesitant, distant, or inconsistent, don’t take it as a sign to try harder—take it as a sign to walk away.
3. Your Standards Aren’t “Too High”
Wanting a partner who is emotionally available, respectful, and communicative is not asking for too much. The right person won’t make you feel like your expectations are unrealistic. It’s okay to want more than the bare-minimum effort. If someone makes you feel like you’re “too much” for wanting consistency, then they’re just not enough.
4. People Show You Who They Are—Believe Them
If someone disrespects you early on, don’t assume they’ll change. If they’re flaky, dismissive, or show little interest, take it at face value. People reveal their true colors through their actions, not just their words. If you’re constantly making excuses for someone’s behavior, it’s time to get a reality check.
5. Some Relationships Are Just Meant to Teach You Something
Not every relationship is meant to be forever, and that’s okay. Some people come into your life to show you what you don’t want, to help you grow, or to teach you a hard but necessary lesson. Instead of regretting the time spent on the wrong people, appreciate the clarity they gave you for the right one.
6. Your Relationship Timeline Is Your Own
It’s easy to feel pressure when it seems like everyone around you is in love, engaged, or planning their future with a partner. But relationships aren’t a race, and there’s no single timeline you need to follow. Some people find their person early, while others take years of dating, self-reflection, and, let’s be real, trial and error. Stop measuring your love life against someone else’s highlight reel.
7. If They Care, You’ll Know—If They Don’t, You’ll Be Confused
If you have to constantly question where you stand with someone, that’s your answer. People who genuinely want to be with you don’t send mixed signals. They don’t disappear for days, leave you overanalyzing their texts, or make you feel like an option. And please, don’t let a man suck you back into Snapchat streaks and stalking his Snapscore while waiting for a real conversation. At this age, he can call or text like an adult.
8. Your Friends Have Insight—But They’re Not Always Right
Your best friends often see red flags before you do. If they’re all skeptical about the person you’re dating, it’s worth considering why. That being said, no one knows your relationship better than you. While it’s important to listen to your friends’ concerns, remember that at the end of the day, the only opinion that truly matters is your own.
9. Mistakes Are Part of the Process
You will fall for the wrong person. You will ignore your gut feelings. You will look back and cringe at the way you justified someone’s behavior. But every bad date, almost-relationship, and heartbreak teaches you something valuable. The key is to take those lessons and move forward—not dwell on the “what ifs.” Dating isn’t just about finding someone; it’s about learning who you are in the process.
Final Thoughts
Dating in your early twenties is a rollercoaster, but that’s what makes it interesting. It’s not about finding “the one” right away—it’s about figuring out who you are and what you need. And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that love will come and go, but your relationship with yourself is the one worth prioritizing the most.