Standing up for yourself can be hard, especially in the early stages of dating someone. It is easy to feel like standing up for yourself comes across as mean, and you don’t want your romantic interest to run away if you really like them. Even if it is scary, setting a standard for yourself is important to make sure you are being treated well by someone you are dating. Here are some situations that you might come across in the dating world and some text responses you can copy and paste to send to them!
- They cancel on you last minute.
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Someone canceling on you last minute is the worst feeling ever. I’ve definitely experienced my fair share of telling all my friends, picking out a cute outfit, and doing my full pampering routine just to have someone cancel thirty minutes before I am supposed to be picked up. If you are still interested in dating that person, you could say:
“Aw that’s too bad, I was looking forward to meeting/seeing you. I’m excited for what you plan for our next date!”
This puts the ball back in their court to try and make up for them canceling at the last minute. If you aren’t interested in them anymore, feel free to just let them know you aren’t wanting to date someone who behaves that way.
- They are moving too quickly.
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With online dating especially, you may come across people who ask to hang out with you before you have even said hello. This can be a red flag, but say you have been talking for a few weeks, and they invite you over to their apartment to hang out. If you feel uncomfortable with this and want to meet in a more safe setting, let them know:
“Thanks for the invite, but I’d love to get to know you a little better first!”
This still shows that you have interest in them but makes it known that you want to go on a date, say out to dinner or a park, before being in a suggestive setting.
- They said something offensive to you.
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Oftentimes on dates, someone will say something that in the moment that you laugh off but later realize that it was not appropriate to say. This could include name-calling, talking about other romantic partners in front of you, or just insensitive comments. Don’t beat yourself up for not saying something in the moment because it can be hard to call someone out if beforehand you were having a great time. When you find you can’t stop thinking about something that was said or done, tell them:
“Hey, I wanted to bring something up that happened the other day that has been bothering me. I found it disrespectful when you said/did, ‘_________.’ I understand it may not have been your intention to be rude, but I really don’t tolerate that kind of stuff.”
This text lets them know you are not someone that will be walked over. In the case that something really crossed the line, at the end of the text, you can add, “Best of luck to you.” This puts a hard end to the conversation, and you don’t need to keep dating this person. - They show up late to a date.
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Personally, lateness is one of my biggest pet peeves. To me, someone being late to a date shows that they don’t respect my time and lack self-awareness. Being late on a first date is even worse because it shows they don’t care about making a good first impression. Try saying:
“Hey, it was nice meeting/seeing you today and you seem like a good person, but it bothered me that you were ___ minutes late, and I’m looking for someone that respects my time.”
This text asserts your expectation that someone is on time, and it shows you have your own life going on. Making sure a romantic interest knows that you are a busy person is beneficial in establishing boundaries with them. Another rule of thumb is that if they are over fifteen minutes late, then you should leave. In some cases, leaving after fifteen minutes might not work out logistically, so this text is a great alternative. It is also always acceptable to end with “Best of luck to you” if you are really strict about lateness! - They invalidate your emotions when you try to tell them something that upsets you.
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Invalidating a SO’s emotions can be a huge red flag if it is a pattern. This can also be known as gaslighting, which is a deal breaker and can be linked to emotional abuse. If you feel you are in a situation like this, please leave and protect yourself. There is a fine line between gaslighting and someone who just might not be very emotionally intelligent, so only use this line if you think it is an honest mistake and not something deeper:
“I understand what you’re saying, but I’m trying to be honest with you about my emotions, and I’m looking for support around this. I would appreciate it if you could respect that this is how I feel and not try to change it.”
This line shows your romantic interest that you won’t tolerate being pushed around emotionally. Having strong boundaries around being able to express emotions freely and without judgment will ensure a strong and healthy relationship between you and your romantic interest!