Just like the saying goes, “When you look at someone through those rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” Being observant of these flags while dating is paramount in ensuring you are protecting yourself and seeing things for how they are. Some red flags are more overt than others, so we will be looking at those red flags that are a little easier to miss but equally important to look out for.
- Love bombing
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Love bombing is when you first start talking to a person and they shower you with lots of affection, compliments, and reassuring words. They might say “I’ve never felt this way about someone before” or “I can’t believe how much I like you already.” This can be difficult to notice because it might seem like you just clicked or even seem like love at first sight. The difference is that love bombing is done in an attempt to get you attached so they can gain control over you. Love bombing is a common tactic used by narcissists, which I have learned the hard way. Although it is nice to be given so much attention at the beginning of a relationship, be cautious of their true intentions and make sure you know them well before rushing into anything.
- Sneaky behavior on social media
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Let’s just go ahead and admit it: we are all Instagram-stalking experts at this point. If you notice some things that seem a little off or things don’t add up on any of their social media pages, maybe think deeper about it before you sweep it under the rug. One common example that many women may experience is that your boyfriend never, and I mean never, posts you on his social media. Or he posts a picture of your food on a date and your face is completely out of the shot. I know it might sting, but consider why he might be hiding you from the world. Even before you start officially dating or talking to someone, use social media to your advantage! If you match with someone on a dating app, ask for their Instagram so you can do your own little background check. This can give you insight into who they are, who they associate with, and if there is something sketchy going on with them.
- Guilt-tripping you into doing something physical with them
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Many women recently have realized that they have been taken advantage of in a sexual context with the spread of the statistic that 97% of women have been sexually harassed. If you ever find yourself in a dangerous situation, please seek help from friends and family, or contact the sexual assault hotline. Some actions can be more subtle though, which makes it harder to notice that it is a red flag. An example of a subtle action that can be categorized as sexual coercion is when a guy will constantly ask to have sex without a condom. I’m sure many women have heard phrases like “it just doesn’t feel good to wear a condom” and “just let me go without one real quick.” Often these phrases are used over and over until the woman just gives up. This is not okay because the bottom line is that when men do this, they are putting their short-term pleasure over your boundaries and health. Look out for actions like this that use emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping to get you to perform a certain sexual act.
- Putting other women down
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It’s super important to notice the way a romantic interest treats women besides you. Observing how he talks to strangers, friends, waitresses, or anybody else can be a useful way to see his true colors. This happened to me recently when I was watching The Bachelor with a guy I was talking to. As we were watching, he made a comment saying that the bachelor was too good to keep a certain girl around because she was, in his words, “ugly.” Little comments like this are something to be aware of because while they might not be directed towards you, they reveal a sexist or shallow attitude.
- Having an explanation for everything
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Everybody of course can have valid reasons for messing up. Life happens, everybody is human, and that’s okay, but it becomes a problem when a person you are dating has an excuse for every single thing. They are late for a date? It’s because their boss held them late. They never called you back? It’s because they fell asleep. They only talk to you at night? It’s because they are way too busy during the day. Again, if these reasons are a once-in-a-while thing, that is totally understandable, but watch for when it becomes a pattern. The reason this can be a red flag is because it displays a lack of accountability when you bring up an issue and they always attribute it to an external source. This signals emotional immaturity. It feels great when someone owns up to what they did instead of putting the blame on something else. A caring partner will be honest with you and take responsibility for their actions.