I know that this fact won’t come as a surprise to many of you reading, but over half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. People love to throw this statistic around as an example of how poorly relationships are going right now. This statistic has been steadily increasing since the 1950’s when less than 20% of couples would get divorced. Naturally, in an ideal world, that statistic would be zero, but life happens. Regardless, if we could get the divorce rates back down to 20% that would be huge! As someone who has experienced divorce, I think about these statistics a lot. What’s the point of doing something if you’re half sure it won’t work? But more often I ask myself, why aren’t we equipping couples with the proper resources to create a successful, happy, and long-lasting marriage?
Dr. Eli Finkel is trying to do that. In his very popular book, The All or Nothing Marriage he outlines how marriages have changed since the beginning of history. For a quick summary of his points, it’s changed a lot. Even before marriage was institutionalized, couples bonded together out of necessity. Providing food and shelter was easier working as a pair. As society further developed, it became nearly a social obligation to be married, and people did it for this reason, as well as for survival and pressure to procreate. So what’s changed in the last 70 years? Well, gender roles for one, but also what we expect to get out of a marriage. While in the past people have just expected their husband to provide money and their wife to have dinner on the table (don’t worry, I too am screaming at how heteronormative and old-fashioned that sounds), we expect more from our partners now. We want them to help us fulfill our goals and dreams. Finkel claims this is wonderful, partners who can do this for each other are incredibly happy, more so than people 50 years ago. However, people don’t know how to do this.
Finkel gives three concrete steps that you can take to try and have a successful marriage. You can go all in, or put everything you have into the relationship. This one often leads to the best results but is the most intense and time-consuming. You have to actively try and help your partner achieve their ultimate goals. Another suggestion he has is called “love hacking”. While there are many ways to love hack, I feel like the most valuable one he shares is looking at your relationship from an outside perspective. Take a fight you and your partner often have, and instead of trying to see it from your or their perspective, try and view it as an outsider looking in on you. Even doing this small exercise (it only takes 5 minutes or so) once a month can greatly increase your happiness. The last suggestion is to change your expectations for what your partner should be offering you. Many times when we come upset about our partner falling short it’s not because they didn’t do something they were “supposed to”, but rather because they didn’t meet our expectations. Changing your mindset about this and seeking other outlets if your partner can’t meet your needs is the last option Finkel offers.
I would gander that if you clicked on this article you are at least somewhat interested in love science and relationships. Even if you aren’t married, or don’t plan to be married, these practices can be implemented into your relationships, romantic or otherwise. Don’t wait until you get married to put in the hard work, the earlier you start the better it’ll be! If you’re more interested in this topic, or the psychology behind Finkel’s process, his book is widely available online and in stores.