I live on this beautiful place called Cape Cod. Every summer, we become infiltrated by tourists who think their crap don’t stank, and we get asked all the time, “What does the word ‘wicked’ actually mean? Do you really live here in the winter?” For me, as an actual working person in a vacation town, having to leave an hour early for work because tourists don’t know how to use blinkers (let alone drive) is one of the countless downsides of tourist season. There is also always the ongoing internal battle of trying not to correct people who say “in Cape Cod” instead of “on Cape Cod.” Cape Cod is an island; you are on it, not in it. I am sure other locals in a tourist town will understand the struggle, depending on where you live.
1. Do not make eye contact with rich old people from New York. They will yell at you, and they will make you feel like you are dirt on their freshly polished shoe.
2. Do not drive on the main road between the hours of 10 a.m. and 6 p.m. unless you would like to be stuck in traffic for hours while land lock state tourists try to get to the beach
Except, ya know, my job!
3. Do not interact with total frat boys who have discovered your secret swimming hole. They will confront you with “yoooo bro check out this sweet swimming spot we found.”
4. Do not go to your favorite local restaurant because you will end up waiting in line for 70 years because people don’t know the menu by heart like you do.
5. Do not become a hostess— tourists will ask you where the nearest attraction is and you’ll end up taking 10 minutes out of your job to explain in exact detail how to get there because they know nothing.
6. Do purchase self tanner, because while all the out-of-town people are going to the beach, you are stuck inside working to make a living and do not have the luxury of going to the beach every day.
7. Do smile politely at all non-locals, otherwise they might become offended and ask for your manager.
8. Do LOL at tourist that wear Vineyard Vines but have never actually been to Martha’s Vineyard, and probably don’t even know it’s called Martha’s Vineyard.
9. Do go to the parties hosted by your high school friends and throw eggs at people that show up saying, “I come here every summer, I’m a local.” LOL NO YOU ARE NOT.