Anyone who knows me, knows my family means the absolute world to me. I am the typical over-protective-to-the-point-where-it’s-embarrassing older sister. And that I will never change. My siblings are my everything. When it comes to family, we’ve all heard that you are NOT supposed to have favorites. But, in my family, we all have the SAME favorite. My brother Vincent is the most precious part of our lives.
My younger brother Vincent has Autism, and it is something I share with people because in order to understand me, my beliefs and my values you need to understand the love I have for the little boy who changed my life and turned all of our lives upside-down. Everything I am, I owe to Vincent. And unbeknownst to him, he shaped my heart, my mind and my soul. He is my favorite person in the world and is the most influential person in my life.
Autism is not an easy thing to understand or deal with. However, it is the ignorance that surrounds it that bothers me most. As a Communications major and Women’s Studies minor, I have taken a lot of sociology classes and classes that discuss nonverbal communication. I often discuss Vincent because he is what sparked my original interest in both these areas. People are often very compassionate when I bring up that Vincent has Autism and how that has taught me to communicate differently with him in a way I never had with anyone else before. My entire family yearns to bring to life the world that orbits inside Vincent’s brain. Sometimes I just wish I could get him to tell me what goes through his everyday thoughts, so I could better understand him. Maybe this way, I could help others to understand him too.
The hardest part about people’s general ignorance is their lack of boundaries. I often get asked invasive questions about Vincent and our family life. I recognize people are well-intentioned and I am very open about my relationship with Vincent, but there are some questions that are just never okay to ask.
One question that bothers me most is when people ask where Vincent is “on the spectrum.” Half the time people are not even well-educated on the “spectrum of Autism”, so what makes you ask me that? I am Vincent’s sister, not his teacher, not his occupational therapist, not his speech pathologist or anything else. When your friends first talk to you about their families do you ask what their siblings’ IQs are? Would you even know if they asked? I do not think so. Autism is a scary but fascinating world and it is nothing that can be easily pointed at and identified. I have watched my own friends, family and colleagues study Autism and other disorders and it is so much more complex than you can imagine. Furthermore, it is absolutely none of your business.
Understanding where on the “spectrum of Autism” Vincent is, would not offer you any insight into my brother. Maybe you would understand that he does not always like to make eye contact when you speak to him and he sometimes laughs at inappropriate times, which causes my whole family to have to bite our lips as well, or that he likes knowing his daily routine and repeats it throughout the day multiple times, especially his and our favorite, “Friday first, then pizza.” Those things are real. Too often people refer to Vin as “cute” or talk to him like he is a small child and it makes my skin crawl. People often categorize people who have disabilities as infinitely cute, because they are uncomfortable talking to someone with a disability and do not understand they grow up just like anyone else and go through the same stages of confusion, puberty and soul-searching just like anyone else. They often think their ability to grow is stagnated and this is simply not true.
What makes me even more upset, that it takes every ounce of strength for me to not breakdown, is when people apologize for Vincent’s Autism. It breaks my heart. It is because people just do not know what else to say, and I understand that. I understand that having Vincent in my life has given me an inherent sensitivity, compassion and understanding for others that I would not have if it weren’t for him. But this is exactly why the conversation about Autism needs to be ongoing. Vincent’s Autism is not something I ever look at with disdain. It is part of Vincent and it always will be, but it is not what he has ever been defined by, nor should it be. People need to understand that asking about someone’s disability will not help you understand them, it just makes it seem like that is all you see them for.
My main goal in life is to change how people view those with disabilities, and the best way to do so is explain how I view my Vincent.
One of my fondest memories was when Vincent proved to me that not all men suck.
When I first found out my ex-boyfriend had hooked up with one of my close friends, I tried to keep my composure and not get upset, because I did not want my younger siblings seeing me like that. I ran up to my room to try and hide away in my bed, but sure enough Vincent came peeking in and just looked at me as I struggled to fight back tears, and even after I yelled back asking what did he want, he did not turn away. Instead, he came into my room and hugged me saying, “It’s okay,” then started laughing. “You could be needy now,” he said, which made me instantly melt into a puddle of tears and laughter, and made me realize Vincent was my person and always will be.
On a regular day, Vincent hates it when I cuddle him too much and always ask for hugs, but he made an exception for me that day because he knew I needed it, and he knew he was the only person who could make me laugh and keep me light-hearted when all I wanted to do was scream and cry.
That same week we went to the beach. Vincent was the first one up, as usual, and came straight to my room saying, “Dressed first then beach,” his excitement and happiness was contagious. On the way there Vincent held my hand the majority of the car ride, something he never does, and put his hand to my lips to remind me he was there. My friends were texting me nonstop to check up on me and see how I was dealing with the situation and what I was going to say to my ex. My face got hot from being so overwhelmed. Vincent took my phone and said, “No more” and put it in the glove compartment. At the beach Vincent asked me to go in the water with him, knowing I can never say “no” to him. Vincent ran into the ocean squealing and laughing and I tried to catch up, fearful he would get knocked over by the waves. However, as the first wave hit us I completely wiped out and Vincent was left barely touched and laughing at me. Probably because he is a full head taller than me. As angry as I wanted to be at him, all I could do was laugh too. For the rest of the day Vincent remained by my side because he knew I needed it and what had happened earlier that week was a secret that we kept between us. When we got back to the car Vincent gave me back my phone and repeated again, “It’s going to be okay.”
That day, Vincent taught me it was okay to shut off the world to focus on yourself and your own happiness, and that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation. Vincent showed me that I did not need to get mad or spiteful because of what had happened, and leave those behind who could so carelessly hurt me. And instead focus on those who actually love and care about me unconditionally. Vincent constantly reminds me to stay grounded and look at the bigger picture and makes me strive to be the optimistic person he always is when he goes through so much more than me. Vincent was the calm to my storm during that moment and made me realize he was the only guy I would ever need in my life. He is my best friend and always makes the impossible, possible.
No one knows me like Vincent, and I am who I am because of him. He’s the reason I used to get in trouble in fourth grade for yelling at the older kids on the bus to not say the word “retard.” He’s the reason I want to make people more conscious of everything someone with a disability can do, as opposed to what they can’t. He’s the reason my family is so different and comfortable in their own skin, because Vincent is the most confident person we know. Most importantly, he’s the reason that I am still here today.
Vincent is the strongest person I know. My brother, at two years old, went through and learned more than I ever will in my whole life. He is my hero and the most sacred person in my life. Watching my brother at not even two years old crying and struggling to connect with us was the most heart-breaking and frustrating process my family has ever been through, but we knew it was all a process to be able understand our Vincent. Vincent has went from only being able to point to tell us what he wants to being able to tell us the best and worst parts of his day, and definitely rebelling against what he does not want to do like any other teenager. He has given me a deeper appreciation for creating long and meaningful bonds with others and that communication is more than just the words we speak everyday, but how we connect with others. Some of my favorite moments with Vincent are the ones where I get to just appreciate his presence and enjoy a moment of peace and quiet in this hectic and chaotic world.
As lucky as Vincent is to have two loving and patient parents and four annoying and persistent siblings to help him through this journey, we are far more blessed to have seen Vincent grow into the amazing and intelligent individual he is today. Vincent single-handedly united my whole family and he has made us all into the people we are today. Vincent is not just my brother with Autism. I inform people that he has Autism more so they can understand me and his influences on me, as opposed to understanding him. Vincent is my lense into how I see the world and experience life.