*Warning: Spoilers ahead*
Welcome to Essex College: a prestigious university where students navigate sex, relationships, heartbreak, and betrayal all while trying to spice up their resumés. Sound familiar? HBO Max’s “The Sex Lives of College Girls” is exactly that: a relatable, sex-positive, and candid depiction of college life. Created by actress, writer, and comedian Mindy Kaling, the hit show opens up long-overdue conversations about women’s sexual liberation and sexuality that allows college girls like me to finally feel seen.
The show follows four randomly assigned roommates — Whitney, Bela, Leighton, and Kimberly — as they navigate their transition to college. From rigorous academics and competition to complex relationships, heartbreak, and betrayal, the girls have seen it all. While college is typically portrayed in television shows as constant fun and partying, the HBO Max show indicates there’s much more to the story. It’s a rarity to find a show that accurately depicts the highs and lows of the college experience, especially surrounding the often stigmatized topic of women’s sexual liberation.
Exploring sex can be many things: painful, awkward, scary, strange, inspiring, or amazing — or really any combination of these. Although everyone’s experience with sex is different, this trailblazing show serves as a potent reminder that no matter what you experience, you are not alone.
TW: The following three paragraphs talk about sexual violence, so feel free to skip them if you do not feel comfortable with this topic.
“The Sex Lives of College Girls” addresses the culture of sexual violence that exists within universities. In the show, Bela, played by Amrit Kaur, was sexually assaulted by a man in a position of power in her student organization. The unfortunate reality is that sexual violence is pervasive on college campuses. The statistics are staggering: 26.4% of undergraduate women and 6.8% of undergraduate men experiencing rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation, according to RAINN.
The show reverses the common narrative which puts pressure on survivors to report the assault. Instead, the show reveals how difficult it can be to come forward and disclose an experience of sexual violence. It shows how it is not the survivor’s responsibility to share their experiences being assaulted, rather it is the perpetrator’s job not to assault. Bela was very hesitant at first to come forward, which is valid. While she did eventually come forward with her story and go through Title IX, she didn’t have to, and that would have been okay too. Each survivor has their own journey, and while one might feel comfortable disclosing their experience, another may not, which are both valid.
The show also highlights how daunting the Title IX process could be, which could be a large reason why survivors may not feel comfortable coming forward. Title IX is a buzzword filled with a lot of misconceptions and a general lack of awareness of how the process actually works. Not only does this show help explain the Title IX process, but it also presents confidential resources available to survivors and that students should know exist on campus. Bela’s confidential resource is The Women’s Center, while Northeastern’s is the SVRC (Sexual Violence Resource Center) at OPEN (Office of Prevention and Education at Northeastern). The SVRC offers free, trauma-informed care for survivors and informs survivors about resources and options they have. It is important that students know all of their options and resources at their disposal, and this show highlights this.
Since Title IX could be pretty confusing to navigate, here is a little rundown of Title IX works at Northeastern. Title IX offers two types of investigations: informal and formal. In a formal investigation under Betsy DeVos’ Title IX policy, survivors undergo quasi-official court proceedings such as a live cross-examination and facing their perpetrator in order to receive a judge-determined ruling. In an informal investigation, survivors are not expected to face their perpetrator or cross-examination, but instead negotiate a solution with the other side that must be signed by both parties in order to officially close the case. Also, if an incident of sexual assault is reported to Title IX, the survivor could choose not to undergo an investigation. For more resources for prevention and survivor support, you can visit Northeastern Sexual Assault Response Coalition’s “Know your Resources Presentation”.
TW: the following paragraph mentions grooming.
Another one of the roommates, Whitney, a soccer star portrayed by Alyah Chanelle Scott, encountered some adverse sexual experiences when she was groomed by her assistant soccer coach. Coaches, teachers, and professors taking advantage of their students and abusing their power is something that occurs all too often. The show did a good job at highlighting how none of this was Whitney’s fault and emphasizing how Whitney was taken advantage of and she is not to blame. The responsibility falls on the soccer coach who abused his power. Too often, the victim is blamed or the situation is downplayed by the harmful rhetoric of “butthey didn’t say no,” or “they wanted it.” When someone is in a position of power, such as a coach at an institution, there is already such a stark power differential, and it is absolutely not the fault of the party that is being taken advantage of, which in this case, was Whitney. Watching what Whitney had to go through was absolutely devastating, but the courage and strength she displayed was inspiring.
The series also included Leighton’s journey in coming to terms with her sexuality. Growing up in an ultra-conservative town with an even more conservative family, Leighton, played by Reneé Rapp, faced a lot of internalized homophobia and trouble accepting her own sexuality. In a raw and authentic portrayal, the show captures Leighton’s story: reluctant to come out and be public with her girlfriend who she loves because she’s not ready to share her sexuality with the world yet. The show sends the message that it is okay to not be ready to come out. Coming out and being open about your sexuality can be daunting for some, and it’s important that people have the discretion to express their truth to the world on their own terms.
The character Kimberly, played by Pauline Chalamet (sound familiar?), had a sexual relationship with her roommate Leighton’s older brother, Nico. Kimberly really liked Nico and spent a lot of time being intimate with him, only to find out that he had a girlfriend the entire time. This type of pain, humiliation, guilt, confusion, and heartbreak is something that isn’t often talked about. You hear the term “the other woman”, but it truly hurts and is so painful when you are unknowingly her. When you give your intimacy and trust to someone to only be betrayed and lied to, it can be scary. The show did a good job at illustrating how hard it can be to move forward from that kind of betrayal, and highlighting a scenario that happens all too often.
“The Sex Lives of College Girls” shows that while college is a time full of new and amazing experiences, there’s also a lot of difficult moments and a lot of growth that comes as a result. While the four girls dance the night away at frat parties, they also face a lot of challenges, which is something that many, like myself, can relate to.