The year: 2017
The setting: New York City, New York
Donald J. Trump paces back and forth next to a floor-to-ceiling window in his Trump Tower penthouse. He anxiously glances up at the night sky, desperately hoping for a sign – ANY sign – that the crew from his home planet is still out there orbiting Earth.
He just wants to go home already. No one told him that he would ever have to actually be president! He was but a mere alien anthropologist, a happy-go-lucky volunteer who thought it might be fun to study Earthlings by living amongst the human race for a while. Things were never supposed to go this far.
Trump rips open another bag of Big League Chew, his main form of nourishment. “I wonder why so many people think it’s called ‘Bigly Chew,’” he thinks to himself.
However, he doesn’t have time to ponder this philosophical conundrum because all of a sudden, a bright, Cheeto-colored beam of light appears, half hidden behind the Empire State Building but still visible due to the clarity of the night sky. A faint screeching sound – undetectable to the human ear – begins to swell, and the room is bathed in an artificial orange hue as Lord Putin’s starship comes fully into view off in the distance.
There is a tapping at his door. “Donald, ees everytheeng okay een there?”
“No! I mean yes! I mean – Everything is tremendous, Malania, just fantastic. Everything is great, everybody says so. Now leave me alone!”
Trump frantically searches for his best orange skin suit and red power tie, scrambling to get dressed before his boss appears at the window. He grabs his favorite scalp mop (the one made of reddish dryer lint and dehydrated straw) and slaps it on his head with just seconds to spare.
“Good evening, sir!” he stammers.
“Good evening, Soldier,” Lord Putin responds. “I understand the hearings for your cabinet nominees began last week. Tell me more about the human beings you have chosen, and please, describe them in such a way that I – an inhabitant of a galaxy far, far away – can understand.”
“Alright, sir. In order to brief you, let me just move on these folders like a b*tch,” Trump replies, grabbing his binders full of men:
1. Attorney General (Hearing occurred on January 10 – 11)
“I have elected to nominate a senator from Alabama who goes by the body identification title of ‘Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III,’ but his fellow humans call him ‘Jeff.’
He is so qualified for the job, everybody says so. In the 1980s, he was U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Alabama, then in 1994 he was elected Attorney General of Alabama. The Democrats are opposing his nomination, but they don’t have a good reason for why. They’re all just haters and losers. Coretta Scott King, Cory Booker, and John Lewis all warn the public to be wary of his racial bias, but what would they know about a topic like that?”
2. John Kelly, Secretary of Homeland Security (Hearing occurred on January 10)
“For this position, I chose General John F. Kelly. He is hugely qualified. Big, big qualifications. I know it was risky, but I really just wanted to mix things up a bit and nominate a white male for once. When he stands next to me, they call us ‘Oranges & Cream.’”
3. Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State (Hearing occurred on January 11)
“At first, I considered failing loser Mitt Romney for this position because he’s a really rich, classy looking guy. Very class. I also considered America’s Angriest Mayor Rudy Giuliani, because he loves me.
Then I heard about Rex Tillerson. At first I liked him because I thought the name Rex meant he was a dog. And I, too, am a dog with the ladies.
But then I found out he’s a human man person who worked at Exxon, and I thought, ‘Wow! Great! Superb! This will make things so efficient!’ And my advisors asked me, ‘Why, Mr. Trump? Why will this make things more efficient?’ And I told them- you know what I told them? I said, ‘Guys, this makes things so much more efficient if we just put the oil companies in charge of foreign policy. Eliminate the middle-man.’ But of course you know that; you and Rex the Human are pals!”
4. Wilbur Ross, Secretary of Commerce (Hearing occurred on January 12)
“Wilbur Ross, Jr. was the best man-person for this job, absolutely. He’s a billionaire like me, did you know that? He’s not as rich as me, though; nobody’s as rich as me – I’m so rich! And some people say he has better suits, but that’s just because I fashion mine out of old, oversize potato sacks covered in paint samples from Home Depot.
This guy’s an investor. He really knows his stuff. Not as much as me, let me tell you, not as much as me, folks. But many people are saying he knows his stuff because he’s a smart, smart cookie.
What I like about this guy is that he has the name of a pig but the face of an aging apricot.”
5. Ben Carson, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (Hearing occurred on January 12)
“Now, Ben? Ben Carson was a tough one. I didn’t want to nominate someone who ran against me in the primary, but I’m pretty sure he was asleep the full time anyway.
Plus, he’s my only African American friend, and I needed to nominate him for this position so that everyone in America could crack the same ‘Haha, of course he nominated the black guy for Housing and URBAN Development’ joke on social media.”
“But is he qualified?” Lord Putin asks.
“Excellent.”
[This list is just five of the many nominees who appeared before the Senate last week. Stay tuned for Part 2 next week, because these nominee bios are TO BE CONTINUED…]