“What is serial monogamy?”
As I was talking with my therapist about the transition from a serious, long-term relationship to a new one almost immediately, she shared with me that I was a “serial monogamist.” Upon first hearing the term, it sounded like a horrible thing to me, considering that “serial” doesn’t always have a positive connotation. After completing a quick Google search, I found that a serial monogamist is defined as “a person who moves from one romantic relationship to another very quickly, spending as little time single as possible.”
Some serial monogamists might have short-lived relationships, while others might have long-term relationships. The determining factor is that you’re seldom single. In trying to process what this new aspect of my identity meant, I realized that while serial monogamy is not necessarily a bad thing, it is most definitely stigmatized in society.
Whether terminating a long-term or short-term relationship, engaging in a new relationship soon after is typically not taken well by people around you. It ultimately can lead to bold, judgmental assumptions regardless of the reality of your situation. There are always presumptuous comments such as, “Oh, you must have cheated” or, “Wow, that was fast,” that follow sharing these personal experiences. While this does apply in some scenarios, serial monogamy is not always the result of a negatively terminated relationship.
Having just ended a serious, long-term relationship and moved into a new one soon after, I found that when explaining my situation to my peers, I shied away from disclosing the details of the process that would face criticism, and was more apt to just initially say, “It’s complicated, you just had to be there.”
A part of me feared what others would think of me based on my situation, as relationship hopping generally rears a pessimistic perspective. While my decisions were for the benefit of my mental health, I found that not only was my situation stigmatized, but it ended up poorly impacting both my mental health and my perspective of myself. I couldn’t help but tell myself that I was a terrible person who did awful things, even though this one small aspect of my life does not define who I am.
Many people fail to realize that relationship hopping can be rooted in the need for self-validation, love, care and a personalized connection with another person. When my long-term relationship was ending, I felt like I was lacking those elements of my life that I had had for three consecutive years non-stop, especially from a person who had nothing but love for me. When this relationship had officially ended, I lost a sense of who I was — not knowing how or what my life would look like without having that sort of support. I didn’t know how to live without “that person.”
When another potential partner came around, I quickly convinced myself it was okay to be with someone else to fill the void of my last relationship ending. While I was engulfed with love, happiness and admiration for this person, a considerable part of me felt guilty about my enjoyment and ashamed to share my new relationship publicly because my previous one had ended so recently. While I was receiving the attention I needed from my partner, I was only further harming my mental health by hating myself for how other people saw me.
Spending many hours in shame, I found that while I could have decided to be single for personal growth and development, I wasn’t able to give up my current relationship, nor did I want to. In addition to being head over heels for this new partner, I feared the repercussions of being single and feeling the heartbreak of another relationship.
As time progressed, I finally saw that everyone’s situation is different, and it is essential to recognize that people need different things at different times. In realizing this, the most important point I wanted to emphasize is that serial monogamy is NOT always a bad thing — and does NOT take away the significance and love from the relationship(s) you may experience.
By destigmatizing serial monogamy, we can extend the dialogue that acknowledges the complexity of human emotions and connections. Understanding that seeking love and connection is part of our nature is vital. Instead of viewing serial monogamy through a lens of judgment, it is important to encourage a broader understanding of the nuances of love, healing, and personal growth. After all, each relationship contributes to our journey, shaping who we are and how we love.