I’ve identified as a feminist for a long time, despite stereotypes like “feminazi” clouding the term in the public sphere. If you’re not sure if you’re a feminist or not, here is a helpful quiz: http://areyouafeminist.com
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I think it’s safe to assume that you are indeed a feminist. The next step is, sadly, more difficult; let’s call it coming out of the patriarchal closet of subjugation. You have made this realization that, like Rebecca West, you wish to “express sentiments that differentiate [you] from a doormat”.
You and I both know that breaking out of the doormat life does not include some bizarre rite of passage in which you must castrate someone. Nonetheless, when you identify yourself as a feminist, people often have this unfortunate misconception. So, here’s your step-by-step guide to confessing your feminist feelings without sounding as though you’re some femme fatale with a shotgun in one hand and birth control in the other.
1. Explain that your mission is not emasculation. Often when you bring up the subject of patriarchy or male privilege a personally-victimized-by-Regina-George feeling creeps in and puts a lot of men on the defensive. Point out that the patriarchy is harmful for men too! Clarify that you’re not some soldier in a mythical battle of the sexes. We are all just individuals plunked down in the middle of this normalized social structure, and men are just as trapped by expectations as women. You can’t expect to start a dialogue with an accusation.
2. Put yourself in men’s shoes. Frequently, wonderfully kind men just haven’t had the chance to think about what it might be like to be a girl in this century. I hadn’t thought much about being a dude until Ciara’s song “Like A Boy”* came out in 2007, so I get that. Often people struggle at first to recognize sexism as a problem, because it’s so prevalent in our culture. Don’t write off all of the people you know just because they’ve never taken the time to examine social norms; would you stop being someone’s friend if you believed deeply in calculus and they’d never thought about derivatives? I wish we could make reading the Wikipedia page about rape culture mandatory for all humans, but since that’s not an option, remember that it takes time for people to process new information and give them a chance to expand their social views.
3. Be prepared to provide evidence. You don’t need to cite terrifying statistics; numbers often make things feel distant. I’ve found it works best if you pull out personal examples. Try to concisely communicate the omnipresent threatened feeling you have every time you leave your house. Take a stab at expressing the insurmountable frustration you feel when people underestimate your intelligence just because you have boobs, or assume that as a woman you cannot hold a position of power because once a month you might morph into a monster. Tell them to imagine what it would be like if their body was regarded as the inevitable cause of bad things happening around them, and that they are somehow responsible not only for instigating these things but for dealing with them.
4. Ask questions. I think it’s really important to open the door for people to join the discussion. I want to know what you think about my views, I want to know how the patriarchy affects you, tell me about how sexism expresses itself in your life. This isn’t an isolated concept reserved for women; it’s a social construct that encompasses both genders. Listen respectfully without diminishing their ideas with weird comments like “women have it worse”—remember that all things are relative to personal experience.
5. Hug it out. Share a cozy group hug full of feels and devoid of ignorant judgment. Repeat steps 1-4 as needed. Repeat this step just because hugs are nice.