I was listening to Chappell Roan’s “Casual” for the millionth time when a familiar line in the bridge, “I try to be the chill girl that holds her tongue and gives you space, I try to be the chill girl, but honestly I’m not,” randomly struck me like a kind of epiphany. Suddenly, my brain finally understood why I feel so emotionally unsettled when in a situationship or something more casual; unfortunately, I’m not the “chill girl” I always pretend and wish to be.
Over the past few months, I’ve repeatedly adjusted my desires and expectations to cater to someone else’s ideal relationship style. I was literally a long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend. I was (very) briefly someone’s casual fling, and now I’m in a short-term situationship of sorts.
Was I an unwilling participant in any of these relationships? Of course not! Ultimately, I agreed to the particular circumstances of each, burying my true longing for actual commitment and playing the cool girl role, the one who never gets too attached or serious and always rolls with the punches. Behind closed doors, though, I was very much not cool or chill at all – shocker!
Why do I keep myself in these emotionally unfulfilling and temporary relationships? I was worried it was because I was desperate or incapable of being alone, which would be incredibly humbling to discover. In a conversation with my therapist, however, I realized that it was because I was bored and lonely (which still humbled me to admit). As humans, we crave connection.
Regardless, pretending that I’m emotionally capable of being in any kind of relationship other than a long-term, committed one puts me on an emotional rollercoaster that I think I’m finally ready to get off of. I’m no longer a fan of how my emotions constantly fluctuate, how my mind hyper-fixates on the other person’s feelings for me, and whether or not they’ll change enough to commit, especially when that has never been the case.
This whole time, I felt something was wrong with me. I thought wanting the commitment was shameful and something I should suppress instead of accepting. I realize that the only way to find emotional contentment and stability is to disengage from relationships without security or devotion.
Despite all these realizations, parts of me still wish that the fantasy of the “chill girl” I’ve been trying to live in could be my reality because it would make dating nowadays much easier. Gen Z dating habits breed “chill girls,” as our seeming preference toward situationships and short-term relationships makes finding commitment impossible.
In a culture where it feels like no one wants anything serious or long-term, a girl only has two options: slam the door on any kind of love life or shape and shift until they’ve falsely convinced themselves that they can find satisfaction in a physical, unattached, short-lived relationship.
I have repeatedly chosen the latter. While it’s fun in the moment, the overwhelming melancholy accompanying the joy of temporary connection is not worth it anymore. The hope of having a long-term partner slowly dies each time I compromise my emotional needs without ever being considered by the other person.
I’m sure some people are genuinely emotionally equipped for a casual, short-term dynamic, but I feel the problem is that those people never find each other. Instead, they find people like me who lie to themselves about being capable of handling it for the sake of connection.
In our society, women are encouraged and expected to make sacrifices to benefit their partners, putting their well-being on the back burner to appease the other person. We’re viewed as overly emotional, too quick to get attached and too needy. We internalize these expectations and ideas, becoming agreeable “chill girls” who are totally down with any kind of relationship, despite knowing that that isn’t true and our feelings will probably get hurt.
Being the “chill girl” has been laughably unproductive for me and has never rewarded me with a genuine or satisfying relationship. Instead, forcing myself to be a “chill girl” has only nauseated and persistently discomforted me because of the cognitive dissonance associated with participating in relationships that I’m emotionally unagreeable with.
I refuse to believe that this many of us are actually okay with the constant non-commitment we’re always offered. It’s clearly taken me time to accept it, but I’m ready to confront the reality that I’m not a “chill girl”; I never have been and never will be. If that makes me sensitive, lame or un-chill, so be it.
Ultimately, our emotional and mental health has to be more important to us than catering to someone else’s, especially when they won’t even meet us halfway. Perhaps it’s time for me and the girls with whom this resonates, to be honest with ourselves and honor our emotional needs to protect our peace, even if that means closing the door on tempting yet unfulfilling relationships disguised as manageable and fun.