I’m not good at being alone. Since I was around five, I was calling up friends’ parents to ask for playdates. I was born with that Type-A, neurotic, let’s-get-up-and-go personality. I’ve spent 19 years living a high-energy life, meaning, I’ve never been subjected to days, let alone weeks, of self-isolation. Once upon a time, that word would have sent me running for the hills. And when I first heard it, I have to admit I was a little queasy. No friends? No plans? No… nothing, for over three weeks? Might as well have handed me a one-way ticket to hell.
In the beginning, I tried really hard to stave off dread. While things weren’t bad, they definitely weren’t normal. FaceTime, which had once been my last resort for human connection, became a lifeline. My parents, who I called maybe twice a month in college, were suddenly my confidants. The grocery store — yes, the grocery store — was no longer an errand, rather the one place I could go running free. As the days continued passing, my inner extrovert continued screaming: Do something! Anything! Make it stop!
The “inner extrovert” I refer to is what has always driven me towards achieving goals and making plans. While both tasks are inherently positive, they become toxic when I start letting them control my daily life. Thus, as quarantine progressed, it dawned on me that I had no choice but to let that hidden introverted side out. Doing so seemed like the only way to cope with the endless hours of free time and isolation.
After that realization, everything got…weird. I unbookmarked Google calendar, switched my jeans and boots for sweatpants and socks, bought baking supplies at the grocery store, and even pulled up my forgotten manuscript. All of these were things I hadn’t done since the start of college. Why? Because for 9 months I had forgotten how to live for myself — not other people.
What once seemed dreadful slowly started to become intoxicating. In fact, it dawned on me that I might actually like self-isolation (but don’t tell anyone!). I like it for the same reason anyone likes it: I wake up every day with no obligations. I don’t have to be the plan-making friend, the involved student, the party girl, or the docile daughter. I just get to be me. So why, outside of this quarantine, does it feel like the world doesn’t want that?
Well, I’ve come to consider that maybe it’s not the world’s fault. I have a tendency to get mad at life for expecting too much of me, when really, I’m the one expecting it of myself. My neuroticism leads me to believe I have to be this grade-A friend, flirt, you-name-it, when really I could be none of those things and still be okay.
If all of that sounds like you, then I want to propose a healthier mindset for both of us. I want you to look at your life; the things you do for yourself because you want to and the things you do for others because you think you have to. Now, check to see if both sides are balanced. If they’re not, then you haven’t been listening to yourself. You’ve been listening to the inner extrovert that tells you, one day, everything you do will amount to something, and that one day, you’ll be enough. But one day doesn’t have to be so far off. It can start right now.
Quarantine has given me a gift I didn’t think was possible. It’s taught me that some days, instead of running around trying to please everyone (including myself), it’s better to put on sweatpants, put down my phone, and just breathe.