There is nothing more devastating than the moment you realize you aren’t a Disney Princess. As children, we are taught that if we want something badly enough (and that if we befriend woodland creatures) we will somehow marry someone extremely handsome and successful and never have to work a day in our lives. LIES. In reality, woodland creatures have rabies and if you try to pet a raccoon it WILL claw your eyes out, and the only godmother we have is that elderly woman we see once a year who smells like a mixture of moth balls and hospice. Another tragic reality is that you can’t just break out into song whenever you like and participate in elaborate dance numbers. Try doing that in downtown Boston at 11 pm and see what happens, (You’ll most likely get stabbed.) The biggest lie, however, is that we will find our “prince charming”. I mean, it is possible to find someone you love, but do you know how hard it is to find someone attractive AND rich?! It’s borderline impossible. And most of us don’t have the time or the energy to marry someone old for their money, sign a prenup and wait for them to die so we can inherit their money.
As it has been clearly established by now, Disney exists only to build up and later destroy our expectations on love, animal-human relations, and happily ever afters. So while we may not be able to meet and marry a handsome prince, at least we can take the time to appreciate the real Disney princesses we see on a daily basis.
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Pocahontas
This is the friend who is so beautiful it hurts. She’s tall, with long legs, blemish free skin and hair that most definitely has to be a weave. She’s the most passionate and artistic of all the group members and she values expression above all else. Her biggest flaw is that she takes herself too seriously and can often come across as being too much of a hipster. (Why do you think you are so much better than us just because you can paint with all the colors of the wind?) She’s also the one doomed to have the most failed relationships because she always goes for the wrong guy.
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Aurora
You know the friend who always get the credit despite not doing any of the work? This is Aurora. This friend manages to sleep in every day and skip class, while maintaining an A average. She manages to be absent from the drama and never gets into fights with the other members of the group. She’s the one who can’t go out because “she’s sick” but we really know she’s just blowing us off to spend her night pinning pictures of Ryan Gosling to her Pinterest Board.
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Cinderella
This is the “best friend” of the group who everyone turns to when they need advice or to get a secret off their chest. She’s the best at covering up her insecurities and she excels in almost every activity. Watch out for her though- she’s capable of some shady business. She can be the friend who will use you to get ahead and if you ever let her borrow a pair of shoes YOU WILL NEVER GET THEM BACK. Like seriously- she’ll always tell you that she’s going to bring them over but when she gets to your house, she’ll be all like “I forgot them” and you’ll be like “I can pick them up from your house tomorrow” and she’ll be like, “I actually kind of lost them.” But in reality we both know she’s just hoarding your precious heels for herself. She’s also the one most likely to have #whitegirlproblems and complain about everything.
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Ariel
We all have that friend who has good intentions but literally no common sense whatsoever. That friend is Ariel. She’s pretty, friendly, and usually the most hilarious member of the group (unintentionally, of course.) She’s the one who doesn’t know the difference between “their” and “there” and thinks that guys at college parties who say they want to go somewhere “quiet” actually just want to talk. She’s also the most likely to get accidentally pregnant, so keep an eye out for her. Despite her stupidity, it’s incredibly difficult to make fun of her because she’s so damn cute and sweet (even though we all know that’s not your real hair color. You can’t have red hair and NO freckles- it’s NOT A THING.) Watch out for her though, she may seem dumb but that won’t stop her from sleeping with your boyfriend ( I didn’t MEAN to sleep with your boyfriend. He “tricked” me.)
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Belle
We all have that friend who likes to tell us useless facts or complain about their course load as an engineering student or computer science major. That friend is Belle. While she is arguably the smartest of the group, she also loves to remind you that she’s the most intelligent. She’s the friend that will tell you the way farmers slaughter chickens as you bite into a chicken sandwich but she’s also always willing to help you study for an exam. She’s extremely pretty, which is frustrating to the people whose looks are the only good thing going for them. Her downfall- she has the worst taste in men. All of her boyfriends are gross, hairy, jocks and she dates them merely so she can “fix” them. #TeamGaston.
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Rapunzel
This is the friend that no one actually likes. I mean she’s sweet and all, but she just doesn’t fit in and makes things extremely awkward. She’s the friend who is always hovering, always asking what you’re talking about or what your plans are for the night and never gets the hint that she’s not welcome. (YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.) But for some reason you let her stay around because you’re afraid if you tell her she can’t hang out with you that she’ll shank you.
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Jasmine
Jasmine’s the friend with the undeserved bad reputation. Sure she likes to wear minimal clothing, but that doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. She’s the one who isn’t afraid to speak her mind and she’ll smack a hoe if needed. She’s the friend who will always tell you the truth, even if you don’t want to hear it. She’s also the one who is most likely to start drama, just because she can. She’s the girl that guys love and girls hate, but that doesn’t phase her. Essentially, she’s Melissa Gorga from Real Housewives of New Jersey.
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Snow White
We all have that friend who we love, but can’t help to make fun of. That’s Snow White. She’s the strange one in the group that likes to bake strange pastries and knit outfits for her bunny rabbits. She’s also the sweetest one of the group and she’ll always be willing to go out of her way to help a friend in need. But at the same time you still kind of hate her because she’s nice 24/7 and is almost too sunshine-y for her own good. Also, her voice is INSUFFERABLE and you’re pretty sure she’s a closeted Scientologist.
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Tiana
She’s the friend who works for everything she has and she definitely has the chip on her shoulder to prove it. She is extremely cynical about the motives of others and can be very defensive when you try to give her constructive criticism. To put it simply, girl can be MEAN. She’s quick to point out when you are acting foolish or being superficial because she has a very low tolerance for pettiness. This friend is the most determined one of the group and most likely to achieve what she’s set out to do.
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Merida
We all have that one friend who is just too ugly for her own good. But keep her around- she’ll make you look prettier just by standing next to her. And if anything, it’ll make you seem more diverse by being friends with people who you wouldn’t normally associate with.
And Mulan
- Not a princess (case closed.) I mean she saved China, which is awesome and all but she married a general, not a prince and therefore does not deserve to be included in this list. (So you can go shave your back now)