One method of studying is to explain to someone else the material that you are trying to learn. I have found that this method works well for me in school, but I did not expect it to translate to any other faction of my life. Recently, I was in the car with my nine year old sister and I got a phone call from a friend. In this phone call, he told me that he was interested in pursuing more than a friendship and asked if I would be his girlfriend. I told him that I was running errands and would have to call him back later, then hung up. I muttered to myself “poor guy”.
“Why is he a ‘poor guy’?” my sister asked.
Knowing she wouldn’t take “just because” as an answer, she is FAR too stubborn for that, the wheels in my head began to turn as I scrambled to find a simple explanation as to why I wasn’t interested in dating this guy.
I knew that it didn’t really make sense, especially to a nine-year-old. We had been friends for over 5 years, had gone on multiple dates, and had great chemistry. Why was I so confident that I didn’t want to date him?
We got to a red light and I thought about what to say until the light turned green. I looked at my sister through the rear-view mirror and what came out of my mouth surprised me.
I told her that there are two things that you have to be able to do in order to be in a relationship or fall in love with someone. Those two things are:
- Help them achieve their dreams/goals
- Help them carry their baggage
I told her that if you aren’t willing or able to do those two things it isn’t fair to start a relationship with that person. This must be reciprocated between both parties. I want someone who is going to help me and support me in achieving my goals and I want them to cheer me on as I chase my dreams. If that is an expectation that I have in a partner, then they deserve the same from me. I also want someone who is going to support me when I have a bad day. Someone who is going to have my back when school, work, family, friends, etc. becomes overwhelming. I want someone who will sympathize and empathize with my trauma and fears, and I know they deserve the same.
If either of those things is missing for either party, the couple will most likely break up eventually. In order to avoid the disappointment and heartache of a breakup, those two things should be discussed and determined before getting into the relationship in the first place.
In the case of this guy, I already knew that I wasn’t going to be able to support his dreams and that I would struggle to help him with his personal and family baggage. I knew that it was me that wouldn’t be equipped for a relationship with him. I would fall short of what he needed and deserved, so I wasn’t going to put him in the position to get his heart broken. That is why I wasn’t going to date him.
After all of that spilled out of my mouth, my sister simply shrugged and said, “oh, ok”.
For her, it was just a good enough reason for me not to date some random guy she didn’t know or care about. For me, it was a staggering realization of what love really is to me. Love is support. Love is empathy. Love is being willing to keep each other standing when times are tough. Love is helping each other heal. To love someone is a choice, and it is hard work.
As you read this, I would evaluate your relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, and remember that you deserve support in your dreams and compassion as you carry your baggage. And remember that so do they.