Welcome lovely ladies of the Class of 2016 (and returning Collegiettes™),
Welcome to Her Campus Northwestern, the publication that single-handedly brought sexy back after Justin Timberlake decided to give up his boy-band heartthrob status to become a crappy actor. Allow me to acquaint you with the bro blog. Over the next months and years, this blog will serve as the Wikipedia that takes you in to the mindset of the 18 to 22-year-old-male, giving you invaluable advice as to how bros think and how you can score any guy you want. This blog is here for you when you need someone to laugh with, a shoulder to cry on or a best friend to wingman for you. Think of me as your knight in shining digital armor.
Our first topic this year is Wildcat Welcome which will undoubtedly be one of the most exciting weeks in your young lives. In the coming days our lovely friends in administration will tell you to join a capella groups and stay away from the devil’s liquid. They will also remind you that every 18-year-old male’s mind is somewhere south of his belly button and that if you aren’t careful, you’ll undoubtedly be the star of next season’s Teen Mom. But let’s be real. You’re not going to listen to them. You’re a cute and rebellious teenage girl that has finally been freed from the shackles of Daddy’s 11 P.M. curfew. You’re here to take some tequila shots, put on three-inch heels and strut your stuff in front of that cute guy on the soccer team. I don’t blame you. Jose Cuervo is one of my closest amigos and that guy on the soccer team has Ryan Gosling abs. But please, please be safe. None of my advice on how to have fun and impress the boys involves having your stomach pumped in the hospital or being carried home by your friends. Be smart, ladies.
When you get old and introspective like me, Wildcat Welcome seems like an awkward and skanky mess but as a freshman, it’s the epitome of excitement. You’re surrounded by hundreds of new, smart, and exciting people. Plus, nearly all of them have ditched or will soon ditch those lame high-school boyfriends and are on the prowl. There are parties at off campus houses and apartments everywhere and since you’re so wonderfully naïve, they are all awesome. A dance-floor hook-up is about as easy to score as a touchdown against Northwestern’s pass defense. Enjoy yourself. As hard as it may be to believe, you will actually start taking classes. This place has a way of turning you into one of those overachievers that takes five classes and runs a sorority while starting an NGO that cures cancer and chlamydia. So before you start your climb to the top of FORTUNE’s “Most Powerful Women” list, kick back, put on that top that is the perfect combination of slutty and classy and have some fun. You’ve spent an entire summer alone in your room reading Fifty Shades of Grey (bro blog on this coming soon) waiting for this day to finally come. So allow me to be the 43,187th person to welcome you to Northwestern. The best days of your life lie ahead.
Justin Timberlake is still a heartthrob,
Mike