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Let Me Explain to You Why We Need to Make Love.
I was recently given a proposal. Not to marry, nor to date. No, this white knight was proposing we have sex. Regularly. I was speechless. I was insulted. And I was considering it.
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One of my long-time friends, letâs call him Rob* to save us all a little embarrassment, approached me out of the blue one Tuesday night and asked me to join him in the relationship that seems to have replaced dating: hooking up. This new norm definitely doesnât involve dates; it may not even involve any sort of admiration for the other person. But it does certainly involve frequent physical encounters of the hot, sweaty, no-strings-attached kind.
The rise of the âhookup cultureâ among young adults has received a lot of attention from psychologists and sociologists trying to figure out why dating has gone down the drain in favor of raunchier relationships between the sexes. âHookup culture is pervasive primarily on college campuses, emphasizes hooking up as a sexual behavior over the establishment of relationships and sees hooking up as a way to achieve some kind of sexual pleasure without having commitment,â says Clare Forstie, a grad student at Northwestern University who specializes in gender relations.
Research on the phenomenon credits hooking up with both destroying and confirming traditional gender roles and remains largely inconclusive. âI think that it signals some erosion of the sexual double standard,â says Alice Eagly, Professor of Psychology at Northwestern University. âWomen may have increased agency, depending on the specifics of how hook-ups come about. This change increases their relational and sexual options; they are under less pressure to fall into boyfriend-girlfriend more stable relationships,â she continues.
For Emily*, a junior at Northwestern University, the added sexual options afforded by hookups are still a poor substitute for the lack of a dating culture in college, but she figures if you canât beat âem, join âem. âIf I could stop hooking up I would,â she says. âBut I get bored.â
Sheâs not trying to be irreverent. The rapid decline of traditional dating has left her â and many of her peers â feeling pigeon-holed with no other alternatives. Rather than spending college on the sidelines, sheâs diving into the hookup pool. She walks me through a typical hookup: âI only hookup with friends so I usually â well, get drunk â and then call them if theyâve expressed interest beforeâŠand then they come over and we do stuff,â she tells me.
Itâs this vague definition of âstuffâ that makes the idea of hooking up such a grey area. The phrase has become a euphemism for everything from kissing to full-blown penetration, and the inability to come to a consensus makes for a lot of confusion in conversation.
So before we can properly evaluate the pros cons, causes and consequences of hooking up, letâs classify the various varieties of sexualized encounters that populate the hookup spectrum. The simple answer: it depends on whom you ask. Hooking up can be (a) a dance floor make out to (b) sex with penetration to (c) anything in between; it can be (a) a one-time occurrence, (b) an established reoccurrence or (c) a maybe, possibly, random reoccurrence; it can be (a) nameless or (b) with a friend. Any combination of the above and their associated spectrums qualifies. (Iâm currently wrestling with a triple-B situation â the most intense of the hooking up scenarios.)
Emilyâs hook ups tend to be of the CCB variety â she qualifies an encounter as a hookup once there is a change in venue. After she leaves to go back to her place or his, whatever may follow has entered hookup territory. I would have to agree. Itâs easy enough to find yourself in the shadowy corner of the bar or some frat houseâs steamy dance floor in a lip lock with that cute guy youâve been eying all night. Those encounters are a dime a dozen and most girls I know wouldnât bat an eyelash at a quick make-out as part of a typical evening out.
A scene change signals intent. For one, it affords more privacy for the encounter to proceed further towards the B/C end of the sexual intensity spectrum. It also signals the womanâs agency in the affair; bringing the conquest home or stepping onto his turf is the perfect situation for the girl who knows exactly what she wants and how to get it.
There is a highly visible camp of researchers that credits hooking up with giving women more agency in relationships and ultimately a focus on pursing other goals. This is why: âLow commitment sexual options can be compatible with an early career focus for women,â says Eagly. âMore college-educated women in the workforce expecting to have serious, successful careers helps raise the age of marriage and child-bearing.â Emily and I both know a lot of women who approach dating this way. I for one have always admired these girls with their ability to strut into a bar and sink their talons into any guy they want without a single thought about tomorrow. Itâs so badass. So confident. So, well, practical. Forstie has seen this school of thought become more prevalent in her time at university. âYoung women in college might see [hooking up] as a good thing to give them more agency to focus on self-development,â she says.
I tend to agree. Gen Y grew up on a diet of âyou can do anything you put your mind toâ and college is the time to make all of your dreams come true before getting tied down â or so weâre told. The mere thought of a dating relationship stresses me out. Where would I possibly find the time in my already over-committed schedule? âIt does have something to do with womenâs ability now to focus on career versus developing relationships,â Forstie tells me. âIn the past the idea was that women went to college for the MRS degree, but I think thatâs falling away, especially when we think about why they have hookups as opposed to developing relationships.â My to do list is long enough without adding someone elseâs needs and happiness to it. One text to Rob and I can fulfill my needs for intimacy and my desire for flattery and then send him on his merry way until I get bored again. The romantic in me feels like I should be insulted. But the ability to control and define every encounter speaks to my practicality.
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But thatâs not the case for everyone. âI donât think itâs empowering,â says Emily. âIf I hookup with someone I usually feel bad about it. Itâs tarnishing my friendship or if itâs someone I donât know itâs like âoh my God.â Itâs an intimate act that youâre sharing with someone. Itâs a big deal for me.â
Emily more readily aligns herself with the research camp that suggests hooking up is really just a way to achieve some stability in this transient life stage. Kathleen Bogle, author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus and Professor of Sociology at LaSalle University, found that many collegiate women enter the hookup scene for reasons other than just sex. Intimacy, even just for the night, is a big motivator. âItâs such a forced short-term intimacy but I still feel close to people when Iâm hooking up with them,â says Emily. âThat intimacy is nice because I donât feel that on a daily basis⊠everyone is so focused on themselves and on school you donât have time to make deeper connections.â
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And then again, maybe we just like the attention. Maybe itâs not about power or stability at all. Women clearly arenât hooking up just to achieve sexual pleasure â because the truth is, most donât. Only 19 percent of women achieve orgasm during a hookup. Men, on the other hand are orgasming at rates over double that of their partners. The real sense of pleasure for women comes from being flattered, complimented and flirted with according to Emily and her friends. It seems kind of demeaning. But I totally get it. My inner feminist is ashamed to admit it, but I was flattered that Rob chose me. I love that heâs pursing me so intently. Who doesnât want to be wanted? Emily sees no shame in it at all. Itâs natural she tells me. âItâs nice to have reassurance⊠I like it when people call me pretty,â she says. âIf someone doesnât call me pretty Iâll never hookup with them again. Dead serious.â
Still, I was surprised to find myself actually considering Robâs offer. At first, his forwardness has been an affront to our friendship, but I was beginning to see how that could be the ideal arrangement. I mean, we respect each otherâŠright? Emily almost exclusively hooks up with friends for that reason. âIf weâre friends itâs not like theyâre using me â even if they are,â she says. âI only hook up with one frat and theyâre all friendsâŠIâve worked my way through all three pledge classes.â
âDo they know about it?!â I asked.
âOh yeah! I talk about it to them,â she laughs.
She also warns that sheâs lost a lot of friends this way. In fact, she hooked up with an old friend just a couple of nights ago, she tells me, and that ended the worst of them all. âThis guy whoâs been my friend from freshman year pulled a move on me and we ended up hooking up. It was actually really nice because heâs my friend so we know each other and weâre comfortable. So I had a lot of fun. Then I found he basically has a girlfriend so I was pissed,â she says with special emphasis on the pissed. Needless to say that friendship is over.
Losing friends isnât the only downside to hooking up. Thereâs a camp of researchers that argues that participation in the hookup culture actually decreases a womanâs agency and slaps her with a sexual stigma. âIt can be demeaning as enthusiastic female participants can be labeled as sluts,â says Eagly. âMen are less likely to get labeled.â Bogle, finds that far from abolishing the sexual double standard, it is alive and well in hookup culture. In her interviews with 76 college students and alums, she often heard men described as âstudsâ and women deemed âsluts.â
This stigmatized double standard is as strong as ever in Emilyâs world. Most of her friends hook up a lot more â and a lot farther â than she does, but as a pint-sized sorority girl with a big personality, her antics never slip below the gossip radar. âI hate that people get reputations,â she says. âIâve hooked up with three guys this year â four as of last night â but that makes me a whore?â
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Like the culture itself, Emilyâs hookups are full of contradictions. Although she says without hesitation that she would much rather date than be a participant in this culture of casual encounters, it âweirds her outâ on occasions that a guy does text after a hookup, and she almost never lets her conquests stay the night.
The thing is, hooking up is a relatively young phenomenon â it only made itâs appearance into mainstream culture in the past six or seven years according to Eaglyâs estimates â so thereâs simply not a lot of research to show the psychological and sociological effects that it will have on traditional gender roles and womenâs agency later in life.
We can argue about what this means, who controls it, what each encounter entails, but we canât argue that itâs not happening. A study published in the Journal of Personal and Social Relationships reported that 70 percent of college students had at least one hookup by the time they graduated. And that was in 2002.
Hooking up can sometimes be pretty hard to escape. Every time I go out I see it happening. Men, women, friends, strangers â everybody is doing it. If I donât accept Robâs offer, then what? I spend all my Tuesday nights alone? That doesnât feel like a choice. That doesnât feel like agency. Real agency comes from separating what you want from what you think you should want â and then going out to get it. Donât get me wrong. I still admire those badass girls with their ability to operate like well-dressed headhunters every weekend â I just donât think Iâm one of them.
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*Names have been changed