So I’m turning twenty on Thursday. My dad thinks he isn’t old enough to have a twenty year old child. To be honest, I’m not sure I’m ready to be that old myself. Have I accomplished enough? What does it mean to be twenty? For me, its two decades comprised of 3 presidents, 4 bedrooms, 5 pets, and a couple more kisses than that. That’s what this column is about, right? Kissing. Or Sex.Or something.
So, I decided to actually talk about sex this week.
First up, age. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care if you’re a twelve-year-old hooker or a forty-year-old virgin… Who cares what happens in the past? Newsflash: it’s over. Even breaking news is old news, the vicious cycle of Journalism teaches me. So, we have to think forward. Birthdays are a great chance to sit down, reflect on the last year, but more importantly, think about where you’re at now and where you’d like to see yourself.
Every year we add a candle to the cake and really, it shouldn’t ever be something you dread, no matter how old you are. Every cake issparklier and shinier, and who cares what happened (or didn’t) in the last year? Each candle adds a little more glow, a little more hope for a little brighter year, a new shot at finding cool stuff and meeting new people and falling in love. Or at least, Birthday Sex?
“Birthday Sex, Birthday Sex, it’s the best day of the year, girl.” sweetly sung an up-and-coming R&B star just two years ago.
This song was somehow considered better than Rebecca Black’s “Friday.” That girl sings about Friday with 10x the passion that Jeremih sings about Birthday Sex. Which is probably why she’s 10x more famous at the moment. I take issue with Birthday Sex as much as I now dread Fridays. It should be the best day of the year, regardless of the sex. Plus, Birthday Sex with his whiney voice is rather unappealing and his lyricism is not quite Shakespearian.
But it’s nice he wants to show the Birthday girl a good time. Still, if Birthday Sex is so great, why doesn’t Jeremih just have it every day? Why can’t everyday be your birthday? At least 50 cent said Shorty was gonna party like it’s your birthday. In that case, it’s sort of like everyday is Birthday Sex day. So then it’s just sex. So R&B singers and rappers make sex confusing. Alternative and rock doesn’t really help. Take Kings of Leon, “Your Sex is on Fire.” I get that it’s a euphemism just like “hot” but really? Should I grab the fire extinguisher? That would probably kill the mood pretty fast.
So, if these aren’t the best songs to get busy with, here are some of my favorites after surfing the ever-trusty internet for viable options.
- Dave Matthews Band, “Crash Into Me”has been on my Pandora FOREVER and I never thought of it as a sex song until I saw it on some random online listening. It’s for those who can take it slowly and do the staring into each other’s eyes. Sober Birthday Sex playlist. Really with Dave in the room, you just can’t go wrong.
- The entire Glee “Sexy” episode playlist. GwenythPaltrow has a voice that drips with sexiness. As Holly Holiday on Glee, she’s turning everyone on. “Afternoon Delight” is hysterical if your sexual relationship can take that kind of joke. “Kiss” as a tango was just crazyfun and the kiss at the end was awesome for an incredibly corny television show where people burst into song. The Warblers all-boy a capella group rendition of ‘Animal’ made my nearly twenty year old self feel newly invigorated with hormones. Maybe skip their Landslide. It was pretty, but not for when you’re tangled in the arms of some lover. Maybe for the after-cuddling.
- Ratatat, “Wildcat” had to make my list, as a Northwesterner. It’s this weirdo electronica business from a semi-famous New York duo. If you want to really go for the animalistic, trippy kind of getting down, this one is a winner. The only words are not words but the roars of a Wildcat. It sounds better than that awful one they play at the football games, but if Welsh-Ryan played this, football games would switch from drunken rowdiness to straight-up debauchery. If you’re in the mood, this will drive you over the edge.
Birthday sex or not, it’s the best day of the year.