Everybody and their mother has a Facebook; it’s so popular, young people are quitting it, driven to the brink either by how many family members have added them or the number of unflattering photos from middle school that they want to disassociate themselves from. Here’s a small guide to some of the most common Facebook friends.
The Family Member Who Doesn’t Understand How Facebook Works
Whether it’s the grandparent who phrases their posts on their walls like emails or the aunt who doesn’t understand that they don’t need to tag you in a comment on your post, Facebook can be confounding for people who are, we’ll say, of a certain age.
The New Evangelist
Everything they share is about Jesus. These people exist on a broad spectrum, with people spewing homophobic garbage on one side and people who just want to share their favorite Bible verses alongside pictures of sunsets on the other.
Thanks, Jesus.
The Oversharer
Every detail of their life, even the really nitty, gritty, and gross ones, are constantly being uploaded for the world to see. For example, a Facebook friend of a real friend recently shared that they had to get a root canal for all but five of their teeth. How does that even happen? And more importantly, why do I need to know?
The Vague Poster
All of their posts either trail off in ellipses or are lyrics from a song by that one band you liked in middle school but would never own up to ever liking now.Their everyday life sounds rough, either because they hate their job, or feel like their significant others don’t appreciate them, or because they don’t have a significant other, appreciative or otherwise. Their statuses are so cryptic that you probably don’t even bother reading them anymore.
The Wine Mom
One of the most fascinating internet communities is the growing population of what I lovingly refer to as “wine moms.” For some reason, the minions have become their mascot for their often vaguely sexual wine memes, most of which sound like terrible bumper stickers.
Why does this exist?
The Traveler
Every single photo is of them at their newest destination. How does this mysterious kid from your high school have the money to do this? Do they have a job? Do they go to school? Who knows, but it looks like they’re having an absolute blast in their multi-month trek around the globe.
That Friend From High School Who Joined a Sorority
Every picture they share is either from an event, some t-shirt or bag with their letters on it, or a Buzzfeed article about the special relationship between a “big” and a “little,” usually accompanied with the caption “My big is the best!!! Love you, girly!!!” The frat boy equivalent shares blurry photos with lots of red solo cups.
Your Freshman Year Roommate’s Boyfriend’s Friend From High School Who Visited Campus That One Time
Or any of those people you met once knowing full well that you would never talk to again.
The People Whose Daily Lives You Actually Care About
Includes: friends you text and/or see at least twice a month, immediate family members, and maybe a handful of extended family members. Put probably not.
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