When I was fourteen, I told my parents I planned to make my future husband change his last name to mine.
This wasn’t born out of some feminist urge to keep my identity and name untainted by a man; I just really like my last name. “Valley” works with almost any first name, except Lily. If their last name proved to be better, then I’d happily change mine. When I explained this to them, it was my mother–not my father–who expressed concern, explaining that it would be hard to find a man willing to do that. I distinctly remember telling her that if his sense of masculinity was so fragile that it was shattered because of something as silly as changing his last name, I didn’t want to marry him anyway. For what it’s worth, my dad high-fived me after that.
When a girl takes on masculine traits she is often revered above other girls as a tomboy: tough, independent, and unafraid to get dirty. No one bats an eye when she acts in a traditionally “male” manner. Logically, a boy who takes on feminine traits should be held in similar regard: kind, compassionate, and nurturing. But he’s not revered. He is rejected, or at the very least, more heavily encouraged to adhere to traditionally masculine roles.
These traits are completely arbitrary of course. Plenty of girls are strong and fiercely independent and plenty of boys are compassionate and kind. But we’ve assigned specific traits to the genders regardless, and whatever tendencies exist we shouldn’t feel so strongly opposed to someone who breaks these so-called “norms.”
Masculinity, far more than femininity, is confined to rigid standards. A woman who acts like a “typical” male is often seen as being better than other women. A man who acts like a “typical” woman is ridiculed. “You punch like a girl.” “You’re crying? What a baby.” “You want to play with a doll? That’s so g*y.”
While this is terribly unfair, the big question isn’t about men. The question is why is it so bad to be a girl? For a boy, to be compared to a girl is the worst thing that can happen. Girls are weaker, more emotional, less valuable.
This is not entirely the fault of men; many women are just as guilty are perpetuating these stereotypes. Teenage girls in particular seem to strive to set themselves apart from their peers in order to receive “You’re not like other girls” accolades from their male companions. They use the same derogatory language to describe other girls. I’m not saying that teenage girls are the most pleasant or perfect beings out there, but my God, have you talked to a teenaged boy lately? They aren’t any better.
For boys to be masculine, they are supposed to be strong. Unbending. Relentless. Confident. Cocky even. But if they are to embody everything that is strong, unemotional, and tough-skinned, isn’t it ironic that this entire facade comes shattering down with the slightest touch of something as “weak” and “soft” as femininity?
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