At this point in the semester everyone is pretty much stoked for Thanksgiving. Family, friends, FOOD; what’s not to like? For someone with an eating disorder, maybe a lot.
While I enjoy going home as much as the next person, some years Thanksgiving is quite the challenge. Sometimes I go into it completely normal. I eat a heaping pile of turkey and mashed potatoes, enjoy a piece of pie and wear my elastic waist sweatpants like most of the country. Other years, I completely dread the day.
For someone with an active eating disorder, Turkey Day isn’t a gravy-filled dream. It’s a lot of pressure to eat a lot of food. Basically a nightmare. It may seem cliche, but Blaire Waldorf is actually quite an accurate example of a worst case scenario for Thanksgiving with an ED.
All of a sudden a salad is basically unacceptable, sweet potatoes are covered in sugar and marshmallows and anything that might be okay is doused in gravy. I mean the thought that my food is covered in a sauce made of the fat and juices of turkey is extrememly discomforting alone. Not to mention family can add extra stress and pressure, which can trigger disordered eating behaviors.
Once the paranoia about food kicks in the self-hate is quick to follow. Why did you do that? Do you want to be fat? You can’t complain about how you look when you choose to eat like that. *cue the tears*
In all seriousness, even with an ED, I think Thanksgiving can still be a powerful and positive holiday.
First and foremost, Thanksgiving should not just be about the food. While that’s the main event, the eating of dinner doesn’t actually occupy all that much time. Most of the day is spent reconnecting with family or friends. Making that the focus, the day becomes entirely less daunting.
For me, picking and snacking can create serious problems when I’m at home. The good thing about Thanksgiving is that most of the food is wholly unappealing until it’s cooked. It’s not like Oreos are sitting around to be binged on. There’s raw turkey, raw potatoes and stuffing mix. Nothing too tempting.
Going on a run in the morning can also help me preemptively deal with the guilt of indulgence. Even though I’ve been told exercise shouldn’t be used as punishment or compensation, doing it before I eat lowers stress for the rest of the day.
As far as the actual meal goes, I try my best to just treat it like normal dinner: get reasonable portion sizes, don’t eat anything I don’t love and avoid overflowing a plate because I feel like it’s what I’m supposed to do. What I’m supposed to do is keep my mind and body healthy.
For me, the hardest part is always after Thanksgiving dinner. The guilt can be brutal and my head fills with ways to “fix” what I’ve done. I think this is where human interaction really helps. If I’m preoccupied with conversation and bonding with loved ones, I’m far less likely to dwell on the meal or self-loathing.
In all reality, Thanksgiving typically neither hurts nor helps my ED. It’s often exhausting and stressful, but within a few days I’m pretty much back to status quo, whatever that is at the time. Even if that’s not an ideal state-of-being, I would be proud if I persevered through Thanksgiving without self-harm or self-hate this year. Anyone struggling should keep in mind that what you feel and see is the worst version of yourself, not the truest version, which is fantastic no matter what.
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