Intimate Encounters: It’s Going Down

I was at a dinner party the other night and after a light lull in the conversation one of the guests posed an interesting question. “Would you rather,” she began tentatively, wiping the corner of her mouth, “give up one of the following for an entire year: cheese, in all of its forms and by products, or oral sex?” The men, without skipping a beat, replied “Cheese.” Most of the women, after some awkward laughs, concluded that they would rather give up oral sex. The conversation then turned into some discussion about hormones and how women crave lactose more than men, which in turn morphed into some feminist rant by one of the younger guests, but the question left me thinking. What is it about a woman receiving oral sex that is so taboo? And why is it normal — demanded even — when the roles are reversed?

How often do we hear of young teenage girls “going down” on guys. It’s normal. It happens everywhere, and it doesn’t really faze anyone at this point. But the first time you hear about a guy going down on a girl — it’s weird, right? The girl is labelled cheap, easy, and loose, and the guy is regarded with a kind of mystical combination of horror and fascination. From a structural standpoint, the female sex is exposed. It’s open. It’s a segue into the internal, and to receive oral sex allows her to be vulnerable. It involves the removal of clothing, the proper positioning, the right angle for it to be done suitably. There is more that goes into it that in the male alternative. It involves a conscious decision and a thought process. For a man to receive oral sex, there’s not much that has to happen. He unzips, you lower your head. Simple. Two steps. It’s easy, convenient, and therefore the norm.

It never ceases to amaze me how many of my female friends don’t receive oral sex regularly, even when they’ve been in longstanding relationships. I often hear something along the lines of “He owed me, so he went down on me last night” or “I cooked him dinner so he decided to please me for a while last night.” Women have been brainwashed into thinking that it’s a treat, and we have to do something in order to be allowed to enjoy oral sex. Look at it this way — if guys have to be hard in order for things to work, don’t we have to be wet first? Women take longer to become aroused. A guy can get hard in thirty seconds, but for a girl to be ready to go with solely natural lubrication, it can take up to ten minutes.

So include oral sex as part of your repertoire of foreplay. Natural lubricants can make things a lot easier, so why not have fun with it?! Another excuse I’ve heard for guys not being comfortable with it is just that they simply don’t know what to do. Seeing as we all took anatomy in high school this always blows my mind, however it is easily remedied with a little guidance from the woman. We ladies might be hesitant to offer direction, seeing as the male ego can get in the way of things in the bedroom. Let’s take it out of the equation. Be a gentle guiding force. Tell him what you like, what works, what feels good. Don’t be condescending. It’s a delicate subject and you don’t want to emasculate him, but be suggestive. It’s okay to ask for what you want. It’s also okay to have a conversation about it outside of the bedroom. Oral sex is one of the most intimate things that a couple can engage it. I find it more intimate that sex itself because you are placing complete trust in the other person. So start with verbal communication. It’ll eventually transition into physical communication, and that is key a good experience.

I consider myself to be a feminist, but this article isn’t meant to disregard men or their sexual wants and needs. I’m not saying we should all stop going down on guys until there is oral sex equality. While it is nice to think that maybe, someday, there will be more of an equal balance, it isn’t going to happen by fighting fire with fire. So ease into it, and enjoy it. That’s what we’re all here for after all.