It’s been a year. I know many of us are talking about it, acknowledging it — a year ago this week, the world changed rapidly in a way that none of us could have anticipated. It’s been a year, and it hasn’t changed back. March 7, I was flooded with the Snapchat memories “a year ago today,” celebrating the first day of spring break by arriving in Breckenridge, Colorado with my friends.
There are so many emotions that flood my mind: the intense gratitude of having had the opportunity to spend a last couple “normal” days laughing with friends, the bittersweet shock of knowing that version of myself from March 7, 2020, had no idea the magnitude of what was coming, and the shame and embarrassment of believing the beginning rumblings we were hearing of COVID-19 were “no big deal,” and “just like the flu.” So much has happened in a year, so it makes sense there would be so many feelings to have about it.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately, “If I could go back in time one year and a week to tell myself what was coming, what would I say? What could I possibly say to make myself understand? What insight could I give? Would I have gone to dinner Friday night with my friends instead of staying in to pack and do laundry? Would I have said goodbye better to the friends I wouldn’t see in just a week, but actually six months? I think I definitely would have packed more than two sweatshirts and a pair of leggings in my suitcase to wear at home for “a week.”
Would I have believed that half a million people in the US alone would be killed by a virus that is nothing like the flu? A virus that has left dinner tables empty and millions isolated from those they loved. A virus that robs the body of its ability to breath.
Would I have believed that while the country fought against one epidemic, another pandemic that has long plagued our nation, that has been wrapped up in its very creation, would be brought to the public’s attention like never before? Would I have believed that streets would be filled with thousands of people marching for justice that has too long been denied?
Would I have believed that this coming year would turn the anxiety that often simmered within my chest into more physical symptoms, symptoms not often unlike those of the very virus we tried to hide from? Would I have believed that this constant stress and sleeplessness would be met with a simultaneous acknowledgement and letting go of so many things in this life which I will never be able to control?
Would I have believed myself that amidst this incredible, unique type of heartbreak and loss I would find moments of incredible clarity, compassion and simple joy that I would learn to appreciate in the most brilliant type of ways?
Would I have believed that in the coming year I would find myself and lose myself, in ways big and small, and I would still be struggling to figure them out twelve months later?
It’s been a year. It’s been a year, and I would be lying if I sat here and told you what I would have believed or understood had I the chance to shake myself 365 days ago. In total honesty, I think the only thing I would say to myself is this: “You won’t be prepared. You will not be ready because there really is no way to be ready for what’s coming. But that’s life. You never know what tomorrow holds for you, and — somehow — you keep moving forward. You won’t be ready. There are things you won’t even be able to believe as they happen around you and more things you won’t be able to understand. But you will keep pushing through it nevertheless.”
(Maybe I’d let myself know this gif of Harry Styles would come into existence and remind me to smile when I needed it too…)