As of five weeks ago, I am halfway done with college. To think that this incredible phase of my life has an expiration date is quite disheartening. I may never get to take all the classes I want to take or seize every opportunity that appeals to me. I am terrified that I am wasting time doing things that do not contribute to my future or overall success as a person. Then again, isn’t this the time to be making silly mistakes with mild repercussions? There is a finite window of time during which we can use the excuse, “I was young and stupid.” Taking advantage of this time epitomizes the college experience. Am I making the most of these years or am I taking it for granted? All I can say to this is that I am doing my best to try new things while continuing with the activities I really love – photography, running, student government.
This probably seems crazy, but I feel as though I am already running out of time in life. I’m only twenty years old and yet I have this wild idea that I should be doing something more. Looking at what others accomplished by this time in their lives and comparing myself to my peers gives me a negative view of the way I am living. Why have I not made any significant contributions to society? Why have I never been able to make a relationship last more than a few months? Why are my grades not top of the class? These stresses present themselves at the absolute worst of times. I constantly doubt my choices when I hear of the new and exciting things for which my friends and relatives are preparing. It takes me a moment to remember and appreciate that this summer I am capitalizing on an experience not many will have the opportunity to try.
Sometimes reflecting on the choices I have made is difficult. I love my majors, there is no doubt about that, but a degree in theology and peace studies does not lend itself to a high-paying, high-profile career. Would I have been better off on a path I do not enjoy but leads directly to post-graduate professional options? Should I be studying engineering, teaching, nursing, or another job that is “always” in demand? Is it worth it to have a course laid out for me if it means spending the rest of my life doing something I don’t love? Losing three months of making money to participate in an unpaid internship when a semester of study abroad is right around the corner does not seem like the wisest of choices, especially when I hear about the paid opportunities many of my peers have received.
The biggest question I have is when am I going to figure out what it is I really want to do for the rest of my life? There are so many things I want to try, so many places I want to go, but how am I going to get there? Deep breaths and baby steps are all I can offer to reassure myself when life gets overwhelming. I’m only twenty! I’ve got time to figure this stuff out! Hopefully I’m not alone in this young adult life crisis. To quote John Mayer, “Am I living it right?”