Should I Wait? #AskGemma

I was reading your article discussing sexual exploration at Notre Dame and I just wanted to say that wow, it’s such a relief that you’re writing about this. It’s something I’ve worried about for a very long time and something I think needs to be talked about especially for incoming freshmen. Currently I’m still in a relationship with my boyfriend of two years and while yes, we are planning on going long distance (he’s going to be going to school in Alabama) and I do love him very much, I always worry if being in such a new place with countless new people, will influence my ability to maintain my relationship. Do a lot of people see their long distance relationships working out at ND or am I just completely hopeless?

-Miss Miles

Dear Miss Miles,

If you’ve read my earlier articles, I’ve mentioned once or twice that long distance has never worked out for me. Either I’ve cheated, or they’ve cheated, or the distance just proved to be pulling us apart and we called it quits before we hated not only each other, but ourselves. However. I am a rare breed. I favor sex over love, and a one night stand is more appealing to me on an intimacy level than an actual relationship. I just don’t think I’m cut out for serious relationships, much less long distance. I don’t know you. I don’t know your boyfriend, and I don’t know anything about your dynamic. But I do know that you’ve been together for two years, and that deserves a medal in and of itself. Seriously. In our day and age of quickie relationships, online dating apps, and sexting, the fact that you guys have lasted two years already speaks very highly to the type of relationship you two have. I’m sure you’ve both weighed your options and considered what is best for both of you, and if you have faith in your relationship, then it will work. It’s going to be hard. Notre Dame isn’t a huge party school, but we can definitely throw down. People drink, inhibitions are loosened, guards are let down, and yes, sometimes temptation can prove to be too much (guilty). I think what might help is if you and your boyfriend have similar guidelines for the kind of behavior you expect from each other. Maybe you both go out on the same night over the weekend so that you can spend the next night Facetiming and ordering take out together, à la virtual date night. Maybe you have a limit on how many drinks you have. Maybe you give your roommate his number so that you can be in touch when you’re out, even if you lose your phone or it dies. It’s nice to not only have these reassurances, but make sure that you’re both treating each other as equals. If he demands that you stay in one night, but then ends up ditching your Skype date to chill with the other frat pledges, don’t be afraid to call him out on it. There has to be a level playing field, as in any relationship, but even more so when you’re not physically with each other. It’ll be hard. But I have faith in you. Besides, Bama is only a 9.5 hour drive from here. Grueling, yes, but hey, it’s not Australia.

Hang in there, Gemma.

Hey Gemma,

I always thought I would wait to lose my virginity until I got married, but my views have definitely changed over the past few years. I’m still waiting until I’m in love and it’s someone who cares about me, but I just feel like this view is outdated. I feel like I’m the only person who’s still waiting and slightly pressured to just get it over with. I don’t want to just get it over with, I want it to be special, but it feels like it being special is a myth. Am I crazy to think my first time should be something that lives up to my expectations?

Thanks, Patience is a virtue

Dear Patience,

You’re not crazy. It exists. It’s rare, and it’s difficult to find, but when you get there it will be something absolutely amazing and beautiful and unique to you. The whole concept of virginity is skewed to begin with. Technically speaking, it’s about a penis penetrating a vagina, but there are girls who will have anal but not vaginal sex— isn’t that sex? Is oral sex still sex? How do lesbians lose their virginity then? The hymen tends to break during late childhood because of athletics (horseback riding, anyone?), so the whole “bleeding on your wedding night” is what is outdated, not your personal views on it. Also, for the record, when women bleed on their wedding night, it’s usually because they are terrified from years of being told how painful sex is, and they contract their PC (pubococcygeus) muscles so tightly that the tissue tears during penetration, causing the blood and pain and perpetuating the whole awful stigma. So there. It sounds like you’ve thought about this, so you have your own view on what exactly virginity is. Virginity is something important. It is one of the defining moments that transition us from girls into women (I know everyone says it’s when we get our periods but I swear I never felt more like a child than the day I got mine). You should never, and I mean never, ever, let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to wait for marriage. If that is something that you value, then stick to it. My mom lost her virginity when she was engaged. She felt terrible for not waiting until marriage, and we’ve talked about this, but she came to terms with the fact that it was okay because she was, ultimately, going to be with this man for the rest of her life, and they were madly, deeply, head-over-heels in love with each other. If you are in love, then you should make love. If you don’t feel the desire to, then don’t, but if you want to, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, just as you shouldn’t feel bad about wanting to wait. It is such a personal choice, and anyone who says, “Oh, just do it already!” maybe isn’t a good friend. It isn’t a myth. It just takes a little bit of faith.

Stay strong, Gemma.

• hooking-up
• long distance relationships
• sex
• virginity