Sleep: Always the Better Option

Recently, I have come to an intellectual conclusion that has proven fundamental to

my relationships, my schoolwork, my mood, and my daily life in general.

 

For years, this thesis bubbled in my brain, developing and changing as I started

college, became entrenched in my majors, and embarked on my semester of study

abroad. It is, without a doubt, the most important discovery of my – not to toot my

own horn, but – frankly rather illustrious academic career, and, at long last, I am

ready to share it with the public.

 

Sleep is better than pretty much all things.

 

There it is, folks. That’s it. When forced to choose between sleep and almost

any other activity in the entire Western world, any decision-maker, amateur or

professional, will find greater fulfillment in the pursuit of sleep.

 

I know this, because, of late, sleep has come to take the place of a lot of things I

thought about doing.

 

Take, for instance, having a social life. What’s the point of going to a club or

spending time with your loved ones or friends when you could be sleeping instead?

“No point,” say I. No point at all.

 

Spending time with loved ones or friends could lead you to say stupid things that

you regret. This won’t happen if you choose, instead, to sleep. Even if you do happen

to say something you regret while sleeping, your decision still emerges victorious. In

that instance, you can blame your error on the fact that you were unconscious – and

the fact that, if you’re talking in your sleep, there’s probably something wrong with

you, anyway!

 

What’s that you say? What about sleep vs. personal hygiene? Well, doubter, I think

we all know who the clear winner is here: sleep again!

 

If you spend your morning sleeping for a long time, you often lose the chance to

perform anything more than the most basic hygienic functions. You could, for

example, run out of time to put in your contact lenses or brush your hair. I posit,

however, that this isn’t a problem at all, but a solution.

 

When you think about it, it seems that contact lenses can’t possibly be good for your

eyes. They stick to your eyeballs unaided for hours on end and require daily removal

to prevent your eventual blindness? Sounds like a good excuse for a glasses day.

 

And as for your hair, I have but one thing to say. No one cool brushes their hair!

Women who’ve shaved their heads don’t brush their hair, and you’ve always

thought they were cooler than you! The same goes for those brave ladies with

white-girl dreads, and they’re…well, they’re certainly more interesting than you.

 

Brushing one’s hair is for losers. Not brushing your hair is a great excuse to wear it

up every day and buy lots of expensive headbands to hide your disgusting, matted

tresses. Without excessive, morning-routine-altering sleep, you’d have to brush your

hair practically every day – and no one wants that.

 

But listen kids, sometimes grown ups sleep in public places just like the lady in this article’s cover photo. And while you might partake in that kind of sleeping during the fall football-heavy season, this spring it’s all about sleeping in a bed. So, ladies, take it from someone who knows her way around a bed where the only magic happening is the magic of sweet, sweet slumber. Next time you’re faced with the choice of sleeping or staying awake, choose sleep. Your GPA might regret it, but you never will.