Every grocery store check out aisle is currently littered with magazine summer issues. They are covered by tiny, tan, bikini-clad women. On that same cover, typed in a colorful, punchy font, we can always find some version of the secret. The easy workout. The fast diet. The super food that will make anybody look like that covergirl.
I stand in line waiting for my turn with the cashier, and watch as yet another naïve girl picks up one of these gossip rags. She pretends to flip through casually. I know she’s holding back from blatantly looking up the cover article and reading whatever this get thin scheme is right away. Eventually she gets to the cover article. And she quickly scans to see if this is worth the four dollar cost of the magazine. Will this work for me? Is this what I need? Can I actually see myself following this? And I continue to stand there fighting every urge in my body to lean forward and whisper in her ear my own little secret.
But I’m going to tell you my secret. Do you want to know how to get a body like that magazine cover model? Eat less. That’s it. That’s all there is to know. Eat about half as much as you’re eating now. Actually, eat less than half. Do this for the rest of your life. If you want to accelerate the process, or if you have unnaturally slow metabolism, lift some weights, and do cardio a few times a week. But that’s secondary. That girl on the cover looks the way she does because of heredity and a lack of caloric intake.
So why do women continue to believe in tricks, secrets and fad diets? The only answer is ignorance. No one actually knows what they eat, and how much they eat. Therefore, we don’t know what we should eat, and how much of it we should be eating.
We know what the large food items we consume are. Today I ate cereal, and then an apple, a sandwich, pasta, and a bowl of yogurt. But that’s only half the story. What about the handful of almonds I ate walking to work? The cookies my boss made? What about the Gatorade I drank after working out? The bite of steak my mom made me try when I walked through the kitchen? All of those little things have calories too, calories we don’t remember eating, and don’t accommodate for when we sit down for meals.
Eating less means keeping track of every little morsel you consume. There are so many free apps on smartphones for calorie counters. It’s up to you to judge portion sizes and preparation methods in order to accurately record food items. I would recommend keeping rigorous record of everything you eat for a week before beginning to evaluate changes and adjustments that need to be made.
Some women lament that this is not a fun lifestyle. Whatever, it’s up to you to decide whether not having “fun” is worth it.
Restaurant eating does not need to become awkward. Just remember to order simple items that can be easily recorded, like grilled meats, and fish, and salads. Avoid food cooked in unknown oils or covered in sauces with any number of calories. Not only are these unhealthy choices, but they’ll ruin you caloric calculations.
Women complain that calorie counting means they don’t get to bake anymore. That’s right. Stop baking. You know who bakes? Fat moms. So don’t bake. When do you ever bake and just eat one? Never, you have a minimum of 8 servings of whatever butter-sugar source you produce.
All sweets, and fattening foods like ice cream and pizza which once occupied the top of the food pyramid, are banned. Never let them into your house. If you really must eat them, then go to a bakery or restaurant. Order a very small amount to go. Eat slowly, and alone, in a depressing environment that you’ve come to associate with food. I suggest your own car with the windows up or public parks where thinner people are working out. If, for some reason, these “just-say-no” food items do enter your house, remove them immediately. Bring them to work, give them to friends, leave them at the neighbors’, throw them out!
Feel free to read this and ignore all of my harsh comments. By all means, continue to wait for those stretchy yoga moves in the latest issue of Seventeen to pay off. Hey maybe try that juice cleanse again? It’ll totally work this time for sure!