What’s an appropriate “number” to have? I’ve had sex with more guys than some of my friends and sometimes I feel ashamed of my number.
-Mathematics
Dear Miss Mathematics,
I’m in the same boat you are. My number is higher than every single one of my friends’ numbers. They tease me about it all the time, and it’s a well known fact amongst my group that I have had more sexual partners than everyone else. I don’t believe that there is a “right” number or an “appropriate” number. Everyone explores their sexuality at different rates. I became sexually active several years earlier than most of peers. I also don’t limit my sexual partners to people that I’m in relationships with, and that’s what works for me. I have friends who have only had sex with people that they have been in relationships with, and their number is significantly smaller than mine. It really just comes down to who you are and how your sex life has played out up until this point. I will give you one piece of advice— you can take it or not, but it’s something that has worked for me. I have a list. I know that sounds tacky. No one has ever seen it, and no one will. But it contains the name, date, location, and a mild description of of everyone I’ve ever had sex with. It’s actually a list of everyone I’ve ever kissed, and if there’s an asterisk next to their name it means I’ve slept with them. This keeps me sane. Seriously. It’s good to keep track of these sorts of things. It’s just a reminder of where we’ve been and what we’ve done. I’m sure some people reading this are thinking it’s because I’ve slept with so many people that I can’t remember them all off of the top of my head. Guess what? You’re right. I can’t. I like to have fun and I’ve had a lot of sexual partners. But keeping track of them all has allowed me to have a very healthy, happy, and above all, safe sex life. I have no shame in what (who) I’ve done. I don’t brandish my number like a scarlet letter, and it really is no one’s business but my own, but at the end of the day it makes me who I am. As long as you’re being smart, feel free to get involved with as many or as few people as you want. It’s your vagina, and it’s your life.
xoxo, Gemma.
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How do you deal with your boyfriend’s crazy ex? She’s always around and always texting him and he’s asked her to stop but she doesn’t get the picture. I don’t want to pick a fight but it’s getting out of hand.
-Case of the Ex
Dear Case of the Ex,
Girl, preach. Crazy exes are the worst. I know how unbelievably frustrating it is when she won’t get out of the picture. It’s one thing if your boyfriend puts up with it, because your bottom line issue is with him, but if he’s been explicit about asking her to stop and she still doesn’t get it, we’ve got an entirely different scenario on our hands. So take a little journey with me, just to get some perspective. A guy and a girl are very much in love. They have a healthy, happy relationship, and she’s probably banking on a ring by spring. Then, suddenly, it ends. She didn’t see it coming (even if she was the one who ended it, the emotions probably caught her off guard), and she’s reeling from losing the most important person in her life. She tries to move on, but she doesn’t really know how to be with anyone else. And then one day, just as abruptly as it ended, he starts a relationship with someone else. The new girlfriend is incredible, and she can see how happy the guy is, but that makes it ten times harder. Why couldn’t I be the one to make him that happy? This poor girl is the ex, and this is her perspective, and you are the new girlfriend. I’m not asking you to sympathize with her. What she’s doing in wrong, but instead of being angry, realize that she is just a sad, heartbroken girl who hasn’t figured out how to cope with her emotions. In her mind, you are the enemy. And you aren’t, and neither is you boyfriend. Her inability to process her emotions is her enemy, but she won’t see it like that because it’s easy to target you and your new relationship. My advice? Have a conversation with your guy about it first. Ask him what his feelings are on her presence, and talk about how it’s affecting you two, both individually and as a couple. Make sure you guys are on the same page, because if you don’t take him into account and go tell her off, you’re going to look like the crazy person (I’ve done that. I looked like a psycho. Don’t do that). As hard as it might be for you to digest this, maybe have your guy and his ex go get coffee. It’ll be a calm, low key setting where he can explain why her behaviour is wrong, and since they’ll be addressing it like grown ups (as opposed to a drunken accusation in the middle of Finny’s), she’ll feel less threatened. If she still doesn’t let up, then you and your guy should approach her together. Chances are she’ll feel so guilty once she sees you face to face that she’ll let up. And above all, stay as calm and rational as possible. If you let your emotions get the best of you, you’re going to reduce yourself to her level, and that is no fun for anyone. Hang in there, love. I promise things will pick up.
Namaste, Gemma.
*Need advice? Ask Gemma.
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