When should I DTR? Ask Gemma!

When do you know when to press the “so…where is this going” question? I’m a firm believer that if two people like spending time with each other, do activities together, are attracted to each other, and like each other’s friends, just call it as it is — you’re dating. Which is awesome, it’s like you have this cool friend you get to have sex with all the time. But then there’s the stereotype that a girl shouldn’t press that question first because “all ND girls want” is a relationship whereas guys just want to have “fun” and that women could somehow detract from this “funness.” What, am I not fun? Anyway, I’m in the purgatory stages of DTRing and I feel miserable.

-Dets on DTR

Dear DTR,

This is a tricky one. I wish there was one simple answer of “After x amount of dates, you guys are dating” or “After so many months of seeing each other, it’s a requirement to have that conversation.” There isn’t any concrete answer. I’ve been in relationships before where we had the conversation after a week because it felt like the right time to do it, and I’ve also been in relationships that lasted about six months, and we never once touched on the subject. There is something very important that has to happen first though: toss the stereotype. Yes, as women in general (not just being ND women), it is scary to make the first move and be the one to initiate that conversation. But it sounds like you really like this guy. And I love the fact that you described it as “this cool friend you get to have sex with all the time,” because that is the ultimate ideal relationship, right? Someone you trust and can completely be yourself with, and also get to sleep with? Win, win all around. But sometimes guys are afraid of labeling something or saying that you’re actually dating because they’re afraid it will ruin the dynamic that you two currently have. Sometimes putting a title on something adds a lot of pressure, and more so for men because dating means official commitment and that leads to getting engaged and that leads to marriage and that leads to babies and that ultimately leads to death. I know that sounds morbid and melodramatic, but guys don’t like to think about the future in the same way women do. So you be the one to take initiative. Don’t be pushy. Don’t make it seem like you want to force anything. But just casually bring it up. Something along the lines of, “Hey. So we’ve been doing this for a couple months (weeks/days/however amount of time it’s been) now. It’s safe to say we’re dating, right?” I know that sounds kind of lame and really tentative, but it’s better to err on the side of caution. I once made the mistake of saying “Sex with you is amazing. I love the fact that we’re dating.” And he stared at me like I had three heads and eight tongues and basically ran screaming from the room. Honestly it sounds like you guys are totally on the same page, you just need to have an open conversation about it. And the whole concept of “funness?” Don’t let that faze you. If you two are a thing, the fun will happen on it’s own.

Stay classy, Gemma.

How do you deal with a guy who claims he doesn’t want a relationship but acts like he likes you?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

Boys aren’t complicated creatures. We like to make them complicated because sometimes it’s easier to attribute their wacky behaviour to some deep-rooted childhood psychological mommy issues, but at the end of the day they’re pretty simple. I don’t want to be mean about this, but if he says he doesn’t want a relationship it’s because he doesn’t. This has absolutely nothing to do with you, which really sucks because it means it’s out of your control. He acts like he likes you because he probably really does. In fact, you’re probably everything he would ever want in a girlfriend. He just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now because he’s at a time in his life where that doesn’t sound appealing to him. Is he a complete goober who should pull his head out of his ass and see what an amazing woman is right in front of him? Sure. But that’s not going to happen until he wants it to happen, so why waste your time trying to make him see the light? As painful as it might be, distance yourself from him. If he’s not willing to commit and that’s something that you are looking for, it’s not healthy for you to be around him right now. Something I’ve found when I’m in scenarios like this is to switch up my routine, even if it’s tiny things. I started going to North Dining Hall instead of South. I went to Rolfs instead of the Rock. I started wearing more open toed flats. I let my hair grow out. It sounds kind of lame and small scale, but it made me realize that the little things that I can control in my own life are what made me happier. I ended up meeting a whole new group of people and ended up dating a new guy I met at Rolfs one day when I was working out. It sounds like this guy has become part of a repetitive cycle—you see him, he flirts with you, he can’t commit, you second guess yourself, and the same thing happens all over again the next day. He’s not a bad guy, he just sounds a little immature and like he hasn’t figured out what he wants. You are worth so much more than that. There’s also the chance that after spending time apart from each other, he might realize that he does want to be with you, or you might realize that you’re not as into him as you thought you were. Who knows what could happen? But you have to be proactive about it, because sitting around waiting for him to figure his stuff out is no place for a woman like you.

Peace and blessings, Gemma.

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