“You can’t do everything.” That’s what people told me all my life—professors, advisors, parents, and friends. Of course, I knew that.
In theory.
In reality, I had no reason to believe that I couldn’t.
In high school I got good grades, picked up an extra class, played lacrosse, was a French Club officer, the campus ministry social media coordinator, a liaison on the National Honors Society Executive Board, played piano outside of school, and had a good social life. For me, quantity and quality were not mutually exclusive.
So coming to college, I felt like superwoman. Especially going into this year. After two semesters of science courses and University Requirements, I decided that what my life lacked was English. So I decided to tack on an English second major to my Neuroscience pre-med major. I knew that it would entail summer courses and overloading with 6 classes each semester, but I believed that my passion for both English and Neuroscience would make the work worthwhile.
If I wanted it bad enough I could do it, right?
Wrong.
This semester has been one of the most difficult times of my life—emotionally, mentally, and academically. I am a person who performs well under pressure, and I’ve always prided myself on my remarkable ability to handle stress. But what scared me this semester was just how deeply my stress was affecting me. I found myself calling my parents and friends at home ugly crying almost every other week.
What was most difficult for me is that my grades suffered; in the past, I could always rely on my academics to be great even when the rest of my life was a mess. Now, when I saw my exam scores, I would become upset with myself because I knew I was capable of doing so much better. I was hard on myself for not devoting enough time and effort to my classes.
But there was no more time to devote. I was already pulling several near all-nighters per week. Still, I convinced myself that if I tried harder, with more soul, then I could do it.
It took a lecture on achievement in my Adolescent Psychology class to finally make me acknowledge what I knew—in theory—all along: I can’t do everything. The lecture was about different attitudes toward school, and it reminded me of who I am. I have a mastery mindset, which means that I approach school eager to learn for learning’s sake. For me, it’s not about the perfect grades, but about completing the task at hand to the best of my abilities. The lecture made me realize that I would not be happy unless I was able to devote to my classes and activities the attention that each one deserved, unless I knew that I tried my hardest. I also knew that with my current schedule there was physically not enough time in the day for me to do that.
I dropped my 6th class and my English major the last Drop-Class day. It was the easy, obvious choice for everyone. Everyone, but me. I had begun to identify so strongly with being a Neuroscience and English double major this past semester that I felt like I was losing a part of myself. More importantly, by dropping a class and my second major, I felt like I had failed. Why was I not able to handle double majoring while so many other people were? I felt incompetent. My whole life I had viewed myself as being capable of doing anything I set my mind on accomplishing based solely on the passion I put into it. My self-concept was shaken.
Overall, I am relieved and glad that I made the decision I made. Neuroscience is still my top priority; it fascinates me, and I know that I’d be doing myself a disservice by not fully engaging in it. Dropping my English major also opened up the opportunity for me to study abroad, a dream of mine from a young age that had been pushed aside when I set my sights on a double major.
But just because I’m relieved doesn’t mean I’m not sad. And just because I’m glad doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that not being able to do everything is not a poor reflection of your competence and worth, but rather a matter of too few hours in the day. I’m still working on accepting that, and it’s okay if you are, too.
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