So you’ve been talking to this person for a few weeks now, the initial excitement of a new obsession is starting to fade and the reality that you might actually have to take this more seriously starts to kick in, the block button is looking more and more appealing and the urge to ignore every message they send is starting to become unavoidable. If this sounds anything like your thought process, you too might be cursed with being a serial ghoster, vilified by everyone, known as the friend who no one could ever see in a relationship and unfortunately very limited sad songs to cry to from the so called ‘villains’ perspective, it’s a hard life for us.
For those of you who were blessed with a secure attachment style and find it utterly incomprehensible how some people can seemingly delete someone from their lives with no emotional repercussions as soon as the thought of any form of commitment is so much as implied, here’s some confessions from a serial ghoster.
First of all, I would like to state that contrary to popular belief we are not all completely detached and heartless, stringing people along for fun with no intentions of a relationship, but in fact the majority of us just have an avoidant attachment style. Now if you know anything about attachment theories you’ll know that avoidants are usually classed as the villains, the evil attachment style that you want to avoid at all costs (ironic isn’t it), and never associate with, but as someone who is very avoidant, most of the issues that make us the ‘worst’ attachment style actually just stem from an extreme fear of emotional vulnerability and getting hurt. Of course it’s all irrational but at the end of the day it’s not our fault, yes, people should always be working towards having a secure attachment style, but that kind of progress can take years and it’s not exactly easy to fix irrational fears that you’ve had your entire life.
Attachment theory also proves why people with more avoidant styles find it so hard to change, people with avoidant attachment styles often tend to attract their exact opposites, the anxious attachment. Pretty much any avoidants idea of a personal hell, these people are usually on the other end of the spectrum, very needy, super clingy and prone to getting attached way too easily and quickly. It’s kind of like the universe’s way of making life more difficult for everyone involved. The anxious person will cling onto the avoidant, whose hot and cold, unbothered attitude presents them with a sort of challenge, and the avoidant will do what they usually do and try to avoid any kind of emotional intimacy, leading to a perfectly messy and complicated dynamic that just reinforces their respective unhealthy attachment styles.
Also, cutting people off for no good reason isn’t as easy as you’d think, most of the time the ghoster ends up being more hurt than the ghosted. I’m in no way saying that it’s fair at all, but in my brain for example, it seems easier to leave first before any attachments start to form so I can avoid getting hurt at all costs. The rational part of me obviously knows that attachment and allowing yourself to open up to someone doesn’t always equal getting your heart broken, but the avoidant part is always there screaming at me to detach and stay away from any kinds of feelings, because it’s always easier to leave a situation before you get left. Somewhat depressing, and very untrue, but somehow makes sense in my mind, and the same goes for most people I’ve spoken to who would class themselves as avoidants.
So to any of the boys I’ve randomly stopped speaking to with no explanation, if you happen to be reading this, and anyone else who has been ghosted, I’m sorry, it’s not fair and I promise it’s not your fault. And, for anyone tempted to block someone because they feel themselves starting to like them a bit too much, attachment is not the root of all suffering, opening yourself up to someone does not always lead to getting hurt, and giving someone a chance won’t lead to you crying on your bedroom floor to the 10 minute version of All Too Well by Taylor Swift (hopefully!)