Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines again recently after The Guardian shared a thread on Twitter with the headline: “Gwyneth Paltrow broke down and ate bread during quarantine. How did you surprise yourself?”. Although this did take Gwyneth’s throwaway comment slightly out of context, it attracted widespread attention as yet another celebrity’s failed attempt to prove that they have had it just as hard as the rest of us during the pandemic.
Many users hit back citing the millions of covid deaths or the loss of loved ones as their lowest points, with many asking why The Guardian was giving such a mindless subject a platform. I, however, was left wondering how Gwyneth Paltrow has retained such a platform throughout all her various comments and crazes over the years… why is it that we just can’t get enough of Gwyny P?
Surely by now there has been enough criticism of Gwyneth’s comments and products for us all to realise that everything she shares must be taken with a pinch of salt. Yet her wellness and lifestyle brand ‘Goop’ still attracts over a million supporters and even has some who are willing to spend up to thousands for the most expensive items on her site. What is it in her magic marketing that keeps us all coming back for more?
Well… lies?
The most well-known of all Gwyneth’s products, released just last year, would have to be the “This Smells Like My Vagina Candle” priced at £67. “With a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent, this candle is made with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.” …I think we can all agree that this has been named purely for shock value and to attract attention – unless there is one thing Gwyneth hasn’t shared with us.
Somehow it has worked spectacularly with Goop releasing 2 candles to follow, with smaller ‘Votive’ sizes and even a portable perfume rollerball! ‘This Smells Like My Orgasm’ and ‘This Smells Like My Prenup’ went down a treat and all 3 candles are in fact sold out at the time of writing, to my dismay.
Whilst Gwyneth’s candles were misleading, they were thankfully harmless; the same, however, cannot be said for her next legendary product: the Vagina eggs.
Gwyneth’s Jade Egg (£60) and Rose Quartz Egg (£50) caused quite a stir within the Gynaecologist community, resulting in a rather large fine for Goop in 2018 ($145,000). Goop had promised that the Yoni Eggs would “balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, prevent uterine prolapse, and increase bladder control”; various medical experts, however, branded the eggs “dangerous” and got to work debunking the myths that Goop had been spreading. These eggs are still being sold on the Goop website today, though the claims have been reduced so that they now only declare to “harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice”.
If you do want to test out one of Gwyneth’s Yoni eggs, though not recommended (gynaecologists say these eggs could cause Bacterial Vaginosis and even Toxic Shock Syndrome, which can be life-threatening) it is worth noting that they are non-returnable – for, well… obvious reasons.
And finally, a personal favourite would have to be Gwyneth’s (harmless) step-by-step guide to yawning. Yes, that is correct – head over to goop.com to learn how to really yawn. Who knew you had to “tilt your head back… and allow your mouth to hang open”? There are even 2 yawns for you to explore! Unfortunately, these do not have flamboyant names like Gwyneth’s candles, disappointingly entitled Yawn #1 and Yawn #2.
She recommends that you “explore these exercises throughout the day, especially before bed, to release accumulated energy and tension that may result from conversation and or the vicissitudes of the day.” … I wonder how many times poor Gwyn had to yawn after she ate that bread.
This somehow doesn’t even cover the full history of Gwyneth’s unsubstantiated claims and blunders, and I also don’t doubt that there are far more to come. If there’s one thing to take away from this, it would have to be: don’t trust Gwyny P.