I’ve been thinking about writing an article like this for a long time. Something I’ve noticed since being more open about my mental health is that everyone around me who doesn’t suffer with mental illness is incredibly supportive, but often don’t understand just how complicated everyday life can be. I know, of course, that this is partly since if you are mentally healthy it is very difficult to understand the thought processes of those who are not. But, I also think it is partly as the real ins and outs of mental illness are not openly discussed enough. Mental illness is becoming more and more prevalent in society, and in order for people who suffer with mental health problems to get better support and understanding, it is crucial that frank explanations of mental illness, like the one which follows in this article, happen more often.
My own mental illnesses are anxiety and depression, and these are what I will focus on. Obviously, in the limited space of an article, I can’t write about everything I experience to do with my mental health (if I did I could fill a book), so I will focus on some key points which I think are really important in increasing understanding about the difficulties of everyday life for people with a mental illness. I talked about this with people around me who suffer with their mental health similarly, and I am including the difficulties that came up the most often. This may be uncomfortable reading at times, but I think it is very necessary that these uncomfortable conversations happen.
1. Negative Irrational thought fixations
This, for me personally, is probably the most difficult everyday problem I experience. It’s difficult to explain, and others reading this with anxiety may well experience this differently, but for me I feel like my mind is split into two parts – the rational and irrational parts. Often irrational thoughts that are not even part of my general rational day to day worries enter my head, and entirely take over. It’s so frustrating as the rational part of my brain is totally aware that what I’m fixated on is very unlikely to happen, and is not a current issue at all, but when I am experiencing periods of high anxiety the irrational part overrides that. I have countless examples of these negative thought fixations that all vary hugely, including worrying that I will be attacked if I am out, convincing myself that someone close to me no longer wants me in their life, or that I am destined to fail in life. It’s hard to make clear just how much these thoughts take over- they cause me to have panic attacks, not be able to sleep as I am worrying so much, or make me sick. I still do not know how to make these spiralling negative thought patterns stop. It makes life very hard, as it’s so difficult to explain to someone you love that you’re worried about something to do with them that hasn’t even happened/ has shown no hint of ever happening.
2. A constant fear of waiting for the next low to hit
I, and many people I have spoken to, find that one of the hardest things about living with depression is that it comes in waves. Poet Sabrina Benaim describes this in one of her poems, in the line ‘My depression is a shapeshifter. One day it’s as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear; the next, it’s the bear’. Of course, depression never goes away, but I may have had a good month where I’ve been motivated and feeling positive about life, and then out of nowhere I wake up one morning to find myself in a severe low. They can creep up, feeling like a black fog filling up my life, or take me by complete surprise. In these lows, it feels exhausting to even exist, and I have no energy, no motivation, and am completely weighed down by my depression. The hardest part of this for me is the feeling of complete and utter emptiness, I feel an extreme sadness for a reason I can’t pin down, and during these periods often can see no reason as to why I’m alive. Lows vary in severity, and can last anything from a day to weeks. With depression you are fighting a never-ending battle that feels determined to keep you down. Even when things are better, the constant fear of waiting for the next low is so frightening, because nothing feels worse than when they happen. It’s so isolating when in a low, as it’s so difficult to try to explain to someone who does not suffer with depression that you can’t pin your extreme sadness to a reason.
3. Guilt
Linking to my previous point on depression lows, a very common part of living with a mental illness is the guilt sufferers feel. For example, I know that I have a good life- I have worked hard to be where I am academically, I have great friends, a happy relationship, and a very close and supportive family. However, despite all of this, my anxiety and depression often rule over my life. It makes me feel so guilty sometimes, as I am well aware that I have a life more privileged than many, and I feel bad that my illness often prevents me from being more grateful about that. I am happy about my life, but I am constantly fighting a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel otherwise. This is a very important point in terms of awareness, that it needs to be understood more widely that mental health illnesses, are valid illnesses, and so it should be accepted that often suffers can’t explain why they feel the way they do. It needs to be understood that it’s absolutely fine, and we shouldn’t have to make up excuses as to why we are low (which I used to often find myself doing), as having our illness is a valid reason in itself.
4. The difficulty of physical symptoms happening in public
I often have panic attacks – where my heart races, I feel unable to breathe, I cry uncontrollably and hyperventilate, and genuinely feel like I’m about to die. These are awful enough when they happen in the privacy of my bedroom, but are made even worse when they happen in public, as they often do. It’s a vicious cycle, as the anxiety fuelled panic attack is only worsened by my increased anxiety at knowing that I am in public, and people are looking at me. We as a population all need to be more educated on how panic attacks look in order to know how to correctly deal with people that suffer from them – whether that be look away so as to not cause them further distress, or step in and help if they reach a certain level of severity.
As I have said, this is only a snapshot into some of the difficulties mental illness cause in everyday life, but I hope anyone reading this who suffers as I do can relate to some of these points, and anyone who does not have a mental illness feels slightly more aware of what we go through. We have a long way to go to reduce mental health stigma, and for people to receive the help that they need, I think that frank explanations such as this one are necessary to increase understanding.
Edited by: Amy Hawthorne
Sources:
Gemma Correll illustration