Being back in my hometown after uni has felt equally comforting as it has been haunting. But one thing I have been eagerly looking forward to is the ‘Christmas debrief’ with my hometown friends. I’m sure most of us can relate – fitting in three months of hot gossip with cocktails and chips whilst reminiscing on high school. It’s the perfect mix.
As I sit down with my hometown friends at our resident bar, it brings a certain comfort nothing else can, but it also makes me remember the last time I sat there with them before uni. How naïve and hopeful we were as we sat and shared our dreams for the next three years, and what they could bring. I feel like an entirely new person since then.
Some part of me wants to go back to summer when I was blissfully unaware of what uni would actually be like, back when I had these unrealistic expectations of never-ending fun and parties.
I’ll phase back into the debrief at times and nod at the right times, gasp when my friend tells me of her wild night, and swoon when another friend tells me of her new boyfriend. But our conversations are overlapping and going off on a million different tangents of stories. There is so much to share that I realise that we all have our own separate lives. We don’t have the same classes anymore and none of the same friends. Instead, we’re all separated by distance. I guess what makes it beautiful is that we choose to come back together every few months. I can rely on that.
At one point we all lean in to eagerly listen about the gossip about my friend’s new boyfriend. But I also catch myself comparing myself to them. Where is my wild uni experience? Am I doing uni wrong? One friend has a new boyfriend, another has gone to a concert, another has the wildest stories from her nights out. The smile on my face feels empty, like an imposter. I love uni but I also can’t help but compare my experience to others. Are we all just faking it?
I want to shake some sense into my naïve 18-year-old self this summer sat in this very spot at this very bar. How stupid to think I could have this entirely new life at uni.
But I cannot deny that I wouldn’t change anything. It’s been freeing to live in a city where nobody knows me. Coming back to the Christmas debrief is comforting, but it also makes me realise how far I’ve changed. We’re not sixteen anymore, complaining about our worst teacher, or giggling about a silly crush, and wondering when our lives will start. We’re nineteen and I finally get to do the things I want.
Additionally, being away from uni has made me miss the friendships I’ve cultivated over there. Even as I write this, I miss my new friends. They weren’t lying when they said distance makes the heart grow fonder. It’s a nice feeling to have when I remember how petrified I was before uni of not making any friends. Now I have the privilege of missing them.
All in all, the Christmas debrief is so much more than a debrief. It involves reminiscing on fleeting high school crushes and our reckless younger selves; it includes us tearing up over our baby faces in past pictures and appreciating the self-growth; and it involves us comforting each other over a recent breakup or sad ending to the canon uni situationship.
I find myself thankful for having hometown friends where I can ease back into a quiet familiarity. But I’m even more grateful for the understanding that things are changing and I am not and will never be the same person I was when I lived at home. I’ve outgrown these roots. We all have. It just took the Christmas debrief for me to compare how far I have come from the last debrief. I can only hope that at the next debrief I come to appreciate it even more.