With every tweenage Disney channel movie of the early 2010s ending in girl-getting-guy, many young girls daydreamed an ‘Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging’ esque fantasy. And for many, this was a (half) reality. Entering relationships in your early teens felt amazing at the time; giggles, butterflies, and the genuine belief that you would be together for ever and ever. However, once we grew up, many of us looked back and realised our childish romanticism was littered with unneeded intensity. The first half of our teenage years is key to development, especially since this is when we begin to discover our sexuality. Therefore, falling into these dramatically intense young relationships can be a result of the yearning for adult experiences we are just a little too young to grasp. That being said, I in no way insist that every young romance suffers from everything on this list, but if you found yourself in a serious relationship as a young teen it is worth thinking about how it may have impacted your growth into adulthood.
- Children Need Childhood
Entering serious romantic relationships at a young age can push young teenagers into the mature world far too soon. Although we may have felt pride in our ‘adult’ relationships, allowing children to mess around and play without such responsibilities is an important aspect of growth. Being the one girl at the sleepover arguing with her partner is never fun! Missing out on this easygoing frame of time where the biggest worry was where to sit at lunch may lead to feelings of anxiety and difficulty relaxing in adulthood.
- Emotional Immaturity
Communicative skills are not something we are born with, therefore the process of learning to effectively communicate with others is an important aspect of our childhood. By forcing yourself into relationships where complex communication of feelings is vital, young couples often crash and burn. Toxic fighting cycles due to immaturity can cause more stress than any young teenager should be experiencing. In bad cases, this could lead to a misunderstanding of relationships and could potentially stunt your emotional maturity, as you were not allowed to learn and discover communication effectively.
- Sex Troubles
Having, or attempting sex at the young age of 13 to 14 is scarily common nowadays. And with the rise of pornography exposure to young people as well as the poor quality of sex education, unsafe sex amongst young people is a big risk. Although looking back it seems a blurry awkward fumble with multiple condoms before figuring out how they work, the reality is sexual pressure is elevated in a relationship. Exposure to sex at such a young age can also lead to an unhealthy relationship with it in adulthood. Perhaps as a coping mechanism or, if your younger self was pressured, an uncomfortable resistance to sex.
- Substance Abuse
‘Acting the adult’ is an understandable side effect of young relationships. If we are old enough for serious life partners, we are old enough for other adult revelries, right? Consumption of alcohol and possibly drugs can therefore be explored at an age younger than healthy — especially if your partner is a couple of years older. Exposure to substances at such a young age can lead to an unhealthy relationship with them in the future, such as reliance and abuse.
- Breakup Trauma
As adults we understand how difficult breakups are, but for most part we understand that relationships are temporary. People come and go, and that’s okay. However, children do not have this level of emotional regulation. Being completely convinced you are in love with someone and have them leave you can be traumatic for the young mind. You may look back on the Taylor Swift lyrics and black screen, ‘nr. real ones know’ picture you posted on your story and laugh — but it might’ve had a harsher impact than you thought. Young teens still get attached like young children do, and a loss of a serious partner can replicate the loss of family. This can lead to a difficulty connecting with others in a healthy way and perhaps even abandonment issues in adulthood.
- Relying on Romance as Identity
Young teenage years are vital for identity development. Therefore, if being loved romantically clouds everything else, many young couples centre their identity around being half of a whole. This makes it difficult to feel secure in your identity while single. Adults may find themselves jumping between relationships because being with someone has formed such an integral part of their identity that being single feels wrong. Feeling loved can be addictive, especially if this reliance began at a young age.
Many would say that a large part of a young adult’s growth is experiencing relationships with a variety of different people. Discovering what you like and dislike, exploring and learning and growing after breakups — whether they are mutual or messy. Even experimenting with your sexuality. These experiences are limited if your childhood sweetheart is firmly stuck to your side.
This being said, do relationships really define us? Is it wrong to say that experiencing different people in romantic ways is vital to personal growth? Is society so obsessed with romantic relationships that the only way to discover yourself is to do it through multiple sexual relationships? Understanding yourself and who you are as an individual is an important part of growth, and it would be wrong to tell anyone that there is a right and wrong way to do that — whether it is in a long-term relationship or not.
Promise rings, declarations of never-ending love, being asked to the school disco as if it’s a proposal – these seemingly innocent memories could affect your adult perception of relationships. This being said, you are not doomed. Understanding how our experiences may affect us is just a step to self-understanding. The important thing now is to remember that we aren’t in year 9 anymore, so make sure your relationships don’t fall back to the life-or-death intense drama of tweenage love. It’s not worth it.