£13.25 can buy you a fair amount in Notts. It can buy you 2 cinema tickets and popcorn at The Savoy or a cheeky Nandos with two reg sides/one fino side on Angel Row. It can also buy you some of the most disappointing Thai food experiences of your life, which is what I found when I visited new(ish) restaurant Zaap recently.
I was looking for somewhere a bit different to go out for a meal with some friends when I recalled hearing of a quirky place that sold Thai street food. Intrigued, I visited their website to find a random assortment of colourful pictures of the restaurant and food. It looked fairly promising and we quickly decided that’s where we’d spend our Saturday evening.
The photos on their homepage did not do it justice. If anything, it’s even brighter and more eccentric in reality. As soon as you walk through the door you’re hit in the face with flags and neon lights (not literally but it was almost as painful). Supposedly it’s decorated as an authentic street in Thailand. In fact it was so authentic that you had to get your menus from a blue stand marked Passport Control. The place was packed by half 7, every table and tuk tuk were taken, so we were told it would be a half hour wait. I can only assume this was because they wanted you to feel as if you were actually going through passport control, so you’ve got to commend their realism. After all that’s usually what I look for in my eating experiences, the feeling that I’ve been stuck in customs. Still, a busy restaurant usually is a good sign, so when we eventually took our seats at a picnic bench under a dangling bicycle (lol how random!!) we poured through the menu hungrily. Unfortunately this was where the cultural differences began to show. Having never been to Real Thailand, we had trouble translating what was meant by “Zides” and “Zoups”. We were soon distracted however by a really weird neon sign above the open kitchen… Free smells? Free smells??? I’ve never knowingly been charged for what is commonly known at breathing. Why would a place offer me free smelling chances when I was under the impression it was a basic human function? Are there places that charge you for inadvertently using your nose? But then, what else would you expect from Cameron’s Britain?
Service wasn’t fast but it was a Saturday evening. We ordered our food and some drinks after finally realising the menu had replaced the S’s and the Z’s in some attempt to be even zanier than the converted rickshaws instead of tables. Eating at what was effectively a picnic bench indoors may seem like a wacky idea but when the gaps in the table gave the waiter an opportunity to pour beer in my lap I had to draw the line. There’s a fairly basic reason tables are not supposed to have gaps in which was proved when Singha was lovingly tipped onto a skirt that I may or may not have been planning on returning to H&M.
When the food finally came I was still soaking in beer and frankly waiting to be impressed. The first of the ztarters arrived. Dim Zum veg gyozas for the veggies and chicken ones for my meaty pals. The little pastries may have been presented on a bed of unattractive limp white lettuce but I’ve got to admit it went down fast. 4/10. There are worse things to eat, they just tasted like little Cornish pasties. Barely any Thai flavours other than a pot of dipping sauce that was just 90% MSG. I wasn’t ready to write off the night yet though, all could still be redeemed with the main dish.
No such luck of course. Now I can’t remember what my heading my dish was under, whether it be ‘zoups’ or ‘zides’ but it should have been under ‘zucking terrible’ because literally no one involved with the making of this dish had heard of zeasoning. I had ordered what the menu described as authentic street cuisine flavoured with sweet soy but what that effectively amounted to was a bland noodle omelette hidden under an assortment of wet leaves.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed with a plate of food in my entire life. I got everyone at my table to try it in case all the free smells had been inhibiting my taste buds. Alas no. They all agreed. Worst food ever. After 3 bites I resigned to the fact it just wasn’t my night.
The rest of my table gave mixed reviews to their food. A couple were underwhelmed and the other held no opinion other than “banging tunes tho”. Fair play. There was however a sick selfie opportunity just outside passport control in a rickshaw, but some selfish seven year olds were hogging it, leading to the final nail in the coffin. We left, passports unchecked, and filled the food shaped holes in our bellies with some food from a chippie and several more drinks, not in that order.
It’s what I would call a ‘Tinder Date’ of restaurants: looks interesting enough to make you swipe right, but in reality has very little to offer in terms of actual substance. Even if it does come with free smells.
Edited by Naomi Upton
Images:
Writer’s own