Long Distance Survival Guide: Insecurities & Jealousy

Insecure and or jealous feelings occur at some point in every relationship, whether big, small, short-lived, or constant throughout. Dealing with these feelings when in a long-distance relationship can be particularly tricky. The fact that many experiences, from going out, to forming a new group of friends are now unshared can lead to some unintended sensitivity. For many people, being upfront and honest about these negative emotions can feel awkward and embarrassing… and so they choose not to address it at all with their partner. I’ve learned the hard way that communicating your insecurities and jealousies is always the way to go, no matter how unnatural it might feel. Here are a few tips I’ve picked up in the past four years that helped me work through these newfound emotions. 

Take a step back!

When you begin to feel all the feels and notice these negative emotions compiling, step away from the situation and reassess. If you’re laying in bed watching your partner’s Instagram stories while they’re out with friends, put your phone down and do something to distract yourself or talk to a roommate. It’s hard to watch your significant other making new memories without you, but it’s a bit less painful when you’re making ones of your own at the same time! By no means are “distracting” and displacing these feelings of jealousy and insecurity a long-term solution, but it can help at the moment to put that energy into something unrelated. If you wake up the morning after still feeling a certain type of way, then address it! But sometimes it’s just a matter of stepping away from the situation in order to realize these were heat-of-the-moment emotions. 

Communicate Openly & Effectively! 

If something that your partner says or does really rubs you the wrong way, or repeatedly makes you feel insecure, let them know! There is no natural, “easy” way to bring it up, but being direct about it keeps both people in the loop and accountable for their actions. Start off with a text saying, “when you did x it made me feel x, and insecure….” and or schedule time to talk over facetime so each party can talk about the specific actions that fueled such feelings. It’s helped me in the past to write out how I’m feeling and use these notes when talking to my partner. At the end of this conversation, hopefully, you’ll feel a sense of relief that both your feelings were expressed and that your worst-case-scenarios you made up in your mind are disproved. Remember, if anyone isn’t willing to have these tough conversations or shames you just for having these feelings, there might be some deeper issues at hand. No relationship is perfect, but you should never feel judged for taking that step towards communicating openly. 

Check in With Yourself!

Experiencing a bit of jealousy when your partner talks about all the fun they’re having while at college is a lot different from feeling insecure in your relationship almost every day while you’re apart. It’s unhealthy, for both you and your partner, to be questioning every move they make. Constant anxieties around your partner being unfaithful, lying or any other relationship-hurting behaviors might be a sign of a greater issue. If these feelings stem from previous tensions between the two of you or even between you and a past partner, it is crucial to address these underlying issues and work towards a more healthy relationship. Whether this means a continued dialogue between you and your partner, friend, or therapist, working through these feelings is key to achieving trust and understanding in a long-distance relationship. 

Long-distance relationships are not easy, especially because most of the time you’re left to your own devices, creating scenarios of what you think your partner is doing or feeling. It’s normal to experience feelings of jealousy or insecurity every once in a while! You’re inevitably going to be a bit jealous of your partner’s new friends being able to hang out with them while you’re a hundred miles away. If these feelings are communicated and addressed, it’ll alleviate the worries around “what ifs” and you’ll increase your chances of having a long-lasting, healthy, long-distance relationship.   

• long distance relationships