Being a member of the world and a part of humanity has become more and more daunting. It is virtually impossible to participate in life without worrying if you’re doing it right. We’ve got thousands upon thousands of examples to compare our lives to. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen into the deep, dark hole of Instagram for over an hour, and come out the other side feeling like I would rather melt into the wall than try to go outside. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize that social media is making us feel detached, depressed, or unmotivated, but if you think about what we’re doing when we’re scrolling, it’s easier to catch yourself before you’ve gone too far.
There is a line you have to draw for yourself: how much input is too much? When do you turn away from your phone; before or after you’re paralyzed by the anxiety telling you that you’ll never live up to all the pictures of the grand lives being lived by people you’ll never meet?
Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop with our phones. More often than I think many of us realize, we are comparing ourselves in real time to the people around us. Most of the time, it’s subtle, which makes it all the more dangerous. As long as we are unaware of why something is bothering us, or why there’s some small part of us that feels off, we cannot find solutions to feeling better. I’ll offer a small, simple example to showcase how powerful our thoughts are for ourselves and the world around us are.
Say you’re walking along the street of a new town. You’ve never been there, but you checked the weather and packed according to what you would wear for that temperature. As you walk, you notice the people around you and what they’re wearing. Everyone is wearing black boots. The more you look, the more you notice how many people are wearing black boots. Meanwhile, you only packed your white sandals. They are exactly what you would’ve worn back home, but you start wishing that you owned black boots. By the end of your walk, you’re ready to throw your sandals into the trash. Maybe you even go buy a pair. The next walk you take, you’re wearing your brand new boots, and you feel more comfortable.
While this might seem trivial, and that it’s obvious that we feel uncomfortable when we feel like a sore thumb in the crowd, it is important to recognize what it means. In some situations, wearing certain clothing and looking a certain way may be an indication of respect for other peoples’ culture, and in that case, you should do your best to be mindful and respectful. However, in the situation above, the matter is purely aesthetic. It’s about the fact that you feel different, and as human beings, we are hardwired to want to belong, and that is normal. That is why everyone who has ever lived has compared themselves in one way or another. The battle is finding the balance between observation of others and how you use that information to dictate how you feel about yourself. This is to say that it’s okay to want to belong, but you also have to find a way to be proud of your differences; to recognize that they make you who you are.
Brené Brown wrote one of my favorite quotes that lends itself directly to understanding the importance of authenticity. She differentiates between “fitting in” and “belonging.” In her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, she writes: “Fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
Through this new understanding of belonging, it is clear that the only way to belong is to be everything that you’re scared of being simply because you feel like nobody else is doing it.
This stirs up a more complicated question: how do you know if you’re doing something because everyone else is doing it, or because you really love it? I’m learning that the best way, maybe the only way, to find this out is to be mindful of your actions. When you put something on in the morning, is it because you love it, or just because it feels comfortable? Is there something else that’s been calling your name, but you’ve never seen anyone else wearing it, so you’ve never bought it? The difficult part of this process is that sometimes, you buy that thing that you’ve been eyeing, and it turns out that you hate it. This can feel discouraging and you will most likely go back to what you’re comfortable with for a while. It’s all a part of the process!
Another part is remembering that it is okay to fall in love with things that everyone else is doing, but make sure that it’s really because you know yourself and not because everyone you know is doing it. This is where being mindful can be really helpful. Ask yourself if you’re really enjoying yourself, or if you’re just going through the motions. If you’re just going through the motions, look for ways to break out of that cycle. Do something you’ve never done before, even if it’s as small as turning on some music you’ve never listened to before. Something that I remind myself when I’m a little apprehensive about breaking out of my comfort zone is how sad I would be if I knew that I missed out on the chance to love something with my whole heart just because I didn’t want to risk being uncomfortable. Maybe you hate the first few songs you hear, but what if the sixth song is the song you can’t stop listening to for the next month? What if it becomes your go-to dance song for the rest of your life? Personally, I would endure discomfort every single day if it meant I could feel that kind of joy along with it.
This kind of joy is the kind that is worth obsessing over. If you find something that lights you up, let it. If that means switching around your priorities, do it. If it means forgoing other things in order to pursue it, do it. There is nothing wrong with following your passions. Not everybody will support you, and not everybody will understand. Everything is about balance, so as long as you are not negatively affecting other people, it is okay to do what makes you happy. It’s okay to be selfish, in that you have to live your life the way you want to. If you’re not, and you feel like you’re living a reflection of someone else’s life, or just a life that doesn’t feel completely and fully yours, then it’s time to switch things up until you feel that spark of joy. Once you feel that, let it drive you until you can’t drive anymore.
On that note, also allow yourself to let things go. It is very possible that you could be passionate about something for all of your life, but there is no need to pressure yourself into loving something just because you loved it in the past. If you know that the spark is gone, and you’ll know when you know, save yourself the stress and mental energy by letting go when you know it’s time. This can be difficult because we inevitably create expectations for ourselves, especially regarding what we think other people are expecting us to do. It’s hard to get excited and passionate about something for a while, only to have to tell your friends and family that you actually don’t like it anymore, and you want to pursue something else. It can be confusing, not only for them, but for you, too. As you learn about yourself and what the most authentic version of yourself is, you will also come to know that real friends are the ones who stick with you no matter what you’re doing, whether you’re writing a book, climbing a mountain, or serving tables.
Unfortunately, not everybody that comes into your life will stay. This doesn’t always mean that you will part on bad terms, but people come and go as you change, especially when you are learning who you are and who you want to be. There will be periods of time where you may have to find your way on your own, whether it be because you’ve grown apart from someone as you grow towards something else, or just because there are some things in life that are meant to be done alone. These and many other situations can be incredibly difficult to deal with. You might have to say no to something that you know is not what’s best for you, which could include friends, opportunities, and especially things that you consider comfortable. The only way to make these kinds of tough decisions is to remind yourself that the consequences are worth it, if it means you are staying true to yourself.
One of those consequences will be loneliness. I would say “could be,” but that would make it sound evadable, and it’s not. At some point, as we navigate the changes we go through, we will be lonely. This is when we doubt ourselves the most. We start wondering whether it’s really worth it: to be who we want to be. Is it worth losing people? Is it worth missing out? What will everyone else think? The only answer I can offer, and what I hope you take with you, is that everything passes, including loneliness. Things never stay the same, despite how much we might want them to. There is power in finding the strength to pave your own way, rather than having it forcibly paved for you. As time goes on, you will learn to love who you are and what you’re doing so much that all the worry and unknowns won’t feel quite so scary. At the end of the day, the people that really care about you will support you no matter what, and the people that don’t support you are not worth listening to.
This whole process might sound a little scary, and you may even be wondering if it really is too selfish to put so much effort into yourself. The truth is that being your authentic self is not just for you; it’s for everyone. When you are being the truest version of yourself where you are creating, becoming and loving the life you’re living, every time you step outside, you are spreading that light into the world. You are living the life you’re meant to live, and you are inspiring others to do the same. As I said before, the more you follow your own path, the more like-minded people you’ll find. The best communities are full of people who belong, not who “fit in,” as Brenè Brown would call it. They are not changing themselves to be more like one another. Instead, they are embracing the differences in one another, and encouraging each other’s ideas. It is in this way that being your most authentic self is necessary for your own happiness, as well as the prosperity of your community.
Learning what is authentic and right for you is an ongoing, lifelong process, so don’t feel rushed to figure anything out. Chances are you’ll feel like you’ve figured something out, only to have it change the next week, so always give yourself grace and always, always, always keep trying.