What Women Don’t Talk About When Having an Abortion
Please note: The names used within this article are pseudonyms for the safety and security of all that are associated. The topic of abortion is still a sensitive matter, but the hope is to finally start a discussion and raise awareness for those with Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS).
“I think I would tell them, we’re still worthy. Worthy of love and worthy to live our lives.” That is what 22-year-old Lilly said when asked about what she would say to other women who are facing Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS). Lilly had her abortion about two years ago and was willing to sit down to give her testimony concerning her experience.
What is Post Abortion Stress Syndrome?
Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS) is the trauma/pain that occurs after the fetus has been aborted. This pain can last quite a while; weeks, months, and even years. The rate of recovery is different for everyone and most feel the need to either hide their experience or alienate themselves from the event entirely. If brought into the confidence of someone who has had or is thinking about undergoing an abortion, please remember compassion and empathy. Women suffering from PASS typically have the following symptoms: anxiety/panic attacks, depression, guilt, rage, suicidal urges etc.
The following is the interview/testimony of Lilly:
Why did you get an abortion?
“I got an abortion for many reasons. The first was mainly the father, he didn’t want to be a dad. I know it’s a cliché but knowing he, in no way, wanted the would-be baby… well it was definitely a contributing factor. Then there’s my family, I was supposed to be kind-of perfect and me being pregnant would have just broken an already fractured family.”
Why not adoption?
“Because I would have been selfish and not gone through with the adoption. If I had chosen to give birth, that little baby would have been mine the second they were placed in my arms. However without support from my family, we would have been homeless, and with no job, car, not even a college degree, we’d be lucky to be living paycheck to paycheck. Would you ever give me a child knowing that they’d be living without, in every possible way?”
Did you have support?
“I had support from my friend Delilah, she made me feel safe. But it wasn’t enough to convince me to remain pregnant.”
Did you want the abortion?
“I wanted to be a mother, I have always wanted to be a mama.”
How was the fetus terminated?
“I was still in the very early stages of my first trimester, so I took the pill.”
Reader please note: The night after pill and the abortion pill are NOT the same thing. For more information on abortion pills, please talk with your doctor or visit Planned Parenthood.
Do you still want to be a mother?
“I don’t know if it’s that simple anymore… part of me will always want to be a mother, but I don’t think I deserve to be one. I feel like any possibilities of a child might be overshadowed by the child I was too much of a coward to keep.”
What has it been like since the abortion?
“Tough. For the longest time after I just stared at the ultrasound photos of my baby and cried in the solitude of my bedroom. Contemplating my death, then thinking it would be too much of a burden for my family to deal with so I didn’t. Delilah always offered to help, but I felt like I was taking advantage of her kindness so I tried to keep it to myself. The dad and I are now strangers. I tear up whenever I see an infant or anything related to children. I don’t date because I know at some point I’d have to tell the guy what I did, how I killed my baby… plus I don’t like sex anymore. I dream of what my baby would have been like. Some people might think it’s haunting, and maybe they’re right, but it’s as close as I’ll ever get to my baby girl,” [she thought the baby might be a girl] “I think about her everyday, think a lot about ‘what if’s.’ I know it’s not healthy but… I will admit this, if I had ever believed that I wouldn’t have been in danger and that I wouldn’t have lost everything by merely being pregnant, my baby and I would be celebrating our birthday together.” [together?] “Yeah, the expected due date was the same as my birthday. ”
What are some things you wish people knew about abortion and the women that get them?
“We do not take what we’re doing lightly. Trust and believe that every cruel judgment the world thinks about us [women who get abortions] is nothing compared to how we hate ourselves. PASS is real, what we need is the mercy we no longer give ourselves. I have just started my journey on the road to recovery and I’m telling you now, if it weren’t for the love of God and friends like Delilah reminding me who I am, I wouldn’t be here. I’d still be lost in that dark hole of depression.”
Many women that suffer from PASS are just like Lilly. They’re unable to talk freely about their abortion because of fear; fear of prejudice, shame or guilt. They hide their experience from the ones they love in order to keep the peace. What women don’t know is that suppressing their pain is one of the main contributing factors of PASS. This then leads to higher rates in depression, isolation and suicide. When you cut off communication, you also block the path towards recovering from an abortion.
So, what do we do?
If you or someone you know who has had an abortion, going through one or living with PASS:
- Please, open up the dialogue. Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step. Most of these women feel the way they do because the world has told them that what they’re going through is irrelevant.
- Be the person that one could confide in without fear of judgment. I know it’s easier said than done, but be willing to listen, to show understanding, empathize. If they’re afraid to talk about it, then let them know that you are there, they are not alone. Even if they’re not ready, be patient. If they don’t want to talk then just be with them in silence. As long as you are there; show you are willing to be someone to help carry the burden they bear.
- Do your research: understand not just what an abortion is, but how best to support someone after an abortion.
- Remind them: Acknowledge that these women are human beings who are in pain then let them know that they’re loved. Show the person that their existence matters, and bring them back to life. If all else fails try the golden rule: Treat them how you would want to be treated.
To the women recovering from an Abortion or PASS…
You are loved, you are not alone. We’re here for you, you can lean on us, we won’t let you fall. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
If you or someone you know is at risk of PASS, visit the After Abortion Helpline, or call/text the H3lpline at 866-721-7881. In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.