(TW: Suicide)
“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.” -Juliette Lewis.Â
On Oct. 5, 2017, everything came crashing down. It was a dark night and I thought nothing could stop me; I was 14 years old and contemplating what my life was worth. As early as 6, I would always wonder why I was here. At the time, I thought it was normal; just the curiosity of a child, but it persisted. Year after year, the feeling got deeper and deeper. I started not only questioning my existence, but my happiness alongside it. Did I deserve happiness? Was I making other people happy? Would everyone be happy without me here? I made sure no one could identify this on the outside; an athlete, honor roll student, tons of friends, heavily involved–seems like the qualifications of a perfect student, right?
According to Cleveland Clinic, only around 3 percent of children, ages 3-17, have depression. At 7 years old, I was diagnosed. Throughout the years, it was difficult yet managed—until I started middle school.
I’m sure most of you disliked middle school. The awkward phases, the “dating” (you guys hugged at recess), the mean girls, getting picked last in sports, etc. I knew everyone in middle school. Now social status meant nothing in elementary school, but as soon as you hit sixth grade? You were basically an adult and you needed to be cool to survive.Â
I was considered “cool.” I was a star student in the eyes of teachers and faculty, I knew almost everyone in all the grades, I went to high school football games, dated a football player, and not to mention, I went to a fine arts school so I played an instrument (I say all of it humbly). The end of sixth grade is when the bullying began. I stopped eating and lost weight, I grew my hair out and got highlights, and I got my braces fixed. Physically, I was a completely different person – until “13 Reasons Why”.
For those of you who don’t know, “13 Reasons Why” was a show that aired on Netflix in 2017, with its main character being Hannah Baker, a high school student who decides to commit suicide and put out her reasons for doing so on tapes, which go around to everyone who pushed her to this decision (Spark Notes). I cut my hair above my shoulders before watching the show because I’ve always loved short hair and thought it was time for a change. Consequently, people saw similarities between myself and Baker from the show. A white girl with short, brown, curly hair, blue eyes and curves. The bullying began once again.
I brought up the show above to emphasize that middle schoolers can be just as mean as high schoolers. People started comparing me to Baker, saying things that they said in the show. “You’re easy,” “You’re a slut,” “You should kill yourself like she did.”
“You should kill yourself, like she did.” What a strong and impactful statement. This is nothing you should tell anyone, let alone a 13-year-old. In-person bullying is known to raise the risk of thoughts of suicide and attempts for both victims and perpetrators, as per the National Institutes of Health on the topic of Sucidal Thoughts and Attempts. This became years and years of internal turmoil before it finally started to become physical.
I started off self-harming, but soon it got worse.
The date I mentioned, Oct. 5, 2017, was the day I decided it was time. My friends suspected something was wrong, but I just kept to myself. That day, I went to class like I was supposed to, ate lunch like I was supposed to and even went to recess like nothing happened. Before school let out, I got a call from the guidance counselor. I walked in and my mom sat there with tears in her eyes, the guidance counselors swarmed the room, the nurse was in the corner and they made me sit. I knew someone said something, because I never see my mother vulnerable like that, especially in front of strangers. They started to talk, but it was like I couldn’t hear anything; all I could think was “What now?”
I ended up receiving intense care after that, with a lot of restrictions: no razors, no locks, doors opened, etc. This was difficult, as I felt that due to my own actions, I couldn’t live a normal life, but every single day I am grateful for whoever told the school that something was wrong.Â
I thought that on Oct. 5, 2017, my day was going to end, but really it began. Now, in 2024, I am 21 years old, in my third year at Old Dominion University. I became President of Her Campus at ODU, a member of ODU’s Student Nursing Association and slowly but surely started my career in the medical field. I have the closest relationship with my family, wonderful friends and an amazing relationship.Â
Never give up. There is always at least one person who cares. You are never alone.
If you are feeling suicidal, helpless, wanting to harm others–please call or text, 988.Â
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