tw: depression, anxiety, medication, mental illness
I struggled for a long time with what I thought was anxiety before I finally decided to try medication. As many have maybe also experienced was growing up in a community and family who thought medication was the sign that you failed or the secret that was meant to be hidden. I still struggle to fight this stigma, despite being a psychology major and advocating for others’ mental health.
It took until my senior year of college to try an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) and to be diagnosed with depression.
After I started anti-depressants, I became the person I had always thought I was in my head.
My roommates and close friends noticed the shift the most. I hadn’t realized how bad I had gotten. I was able to fake it long enough but when I would come home, I would hide out in my room. Now I find myself constantly in the living room and going to lay on my roommates’ floor to talk about our days. One of my roommates told me recently, “It’s like two different people.”
My anti-depressants gave my friendships back to me. I struggled with overstimulation a lot and my best friend is a loud and joyful spirit. I struggled to be the friend that she needed at the time. I couldn’t express to her that it wasn’t her fault I could not be there emotionally for her, I wanted to hide away from it all. But now, she and I are closer than ever. I was given my closest friendships back and now with the happiness and energy I have, I’ve grown closer to my roommates and felt confident to make new friendships.
I am no longer skipping meals due to being so sick to my stomach. I don’t spend hours at night not being able to sleep. I laugh and smile more than ever. And before I was so passive, I would let people walk all over me and would internalize all my anger and hurt. I have found myself being forward, calling out those who belittle me, and standing up for myself.
But something I hadn’t expected to happen was that even some people that I thought were my closest friends made me feel small or weak because I came to realize that I needed this medication. For me specifically, I see my medication like insulin. I don’t see myself ever getting off them. I stood up for myself against the friend who made me feel like something was wrong about needing my SSRI, and it allowed me to know who were really there for me. However, I know that won’t change the people who will always think less than of me or others who needed this.
I do want to say that not everything post beginning anti-depressants has been perfect. I had horrible side effects the first few weeks and to this day still struggle with motivation to even do my schoolwork, along with often not being able to cry. I was lucky enough to get past my side effects and to actually like the first medication my doctor prescribed. That is not the experience for everyone, and this is just my experience.
If you ever feel overwhelmed with anxiety or depression please reach out, whether that be medication, therapy, or to find support.
THE NAMI HELPLINE
And you can find other resources at https://idontmind.com/findhelp.