Why ‘You’re Not Like Other Girls’ Isn’t A Compliment

I’ve heard this phrase used time and time again by both men and women in songs, on tv, in popular memes, and even in casual conversation. There are so many reasons why the use of this phrase is inherently wrong and misogynistic but I’d like to name just a few for you. Here’s to hoping we can all retire this phrase in 2017.

1. It’s disrespectful of other women when used by women

There are so many more examples out there in pop culture of the other woman, but Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me is probably the example that strikes the biggest chord with me (and I’m not the only one). I realize this is an old example as the song is eight years old at this point and that there is more to the story behind the video then just pitting women against each other. That said, much of the music video sets up this smart, good, dowdier girl and how she is so much better for the golden boy than his mean, girly, needy girlfriend. Who’s to say the girlfriend doesn’t open up and show off a softer side when not in public? Why are her short skirts so offensive and unacceptable? Why do we let ourselves be affected by other womens’ successes instead of being happy for them? We don’t all have to love all other women but we do need to try to respect them by respecting their own personal choices.

2. It’s disrespectful of other women when used by men

Going all Gone Girl on a guy when he uses this phrase probably isn’t the best idea but it can be tempting when you realize how much the patriarchy has affected our society. That said if you can step back and take the opportunity to educate your male friends instead it can prove far more successful. The worst thing that can happen is he walks away or thinks you’re taking the comment too seriously. In that case you can decide whether you want someone so unwilling to listen in your life. I can only hope your answer is no. If a stranger says this to you, feel free to rudely reply or simply walk away. Who’s the cool girl now, buddy? (The right answer is any woman can be a cool girl and not just the ones who act like you think a woman should).

3. It implies that it’s inherently wrong for a woman to be like “insert other type of woman”

It implies that “the other woman” portrays a set of ideals not befitting of a sophisticated lady. Seems nice at first until you look a little closer and realize this comment is flawed. Stop insulting other women for not portraying your woman on a pedestal. Not every woman is prim and proper with perfect table manners. In fact many of us aren’t and often make mistakes. This doesn’t mean we aren’t worthy of respect or kindness. So the next time you make an assumption about another woman think about her as more than her outfit, her romantic partner, or her lifestyle choices. She is so much more than the one facet of her life you can see.

4. It serves little more than as a backhanded compliment

At first you think “Oh, how sweet. I’m not like (insert woman you hate),” but dig a little deeper and this isn’t just about one woman or one other group of women even. It’s about pitting all women against each other. It’s about creating drama where it doesn’t need to be and it’s about further building up a society where women think it’s more important to tear each other down than to raise each other up. If that doesn’t make you reconsider using this phrase I don’t know what will but I will continue.

5. I’ve often seen it used by sorority women against other sorority women

Often I think the phrase, “I’m not like other sorority women” is used by women who think they are being complimentary or edgy. They think I don’t go out, wear pink, throw glitter, or any number of so-called “girly” or somehow undesirable actions by “typical” sorority women so my affiliation is something to be respected. The danger of this is it puts down the women who wear Lilly Pulitzer and adore Kate Spade but who also ace all their classes. It is a phrase that doesn’t consider all that Greek Life and sororities in particular can do for women. They provide leadership opportunities, philanthropic involvement, and often have academic requirements ranging from study halls to study buddy programs. Not to mention some local and national chapters have an interest in specific academic areas of study, social justice, service or other areas of interest that provide additional opportunities to women. Just the other week I read an article for example called, “I am a Sorority Girl” by a fellow Her Campus writer Kait Griffin. In the article she states herself and her sisters are different from “other” sorority girls. They aren’t particularly girly, crafty, or materialistic like those “other” sorority girls. She mentions her chapter’s involvement in Delta Gamma’s I am a Sorority Woman campaign. The campaign itself is amazing and you should definitely check it out. However many sorority women’s’ response articles to the campaign have gone against what was originally intended. The campaign intends to break down stereotypes and promote positivity among sorority women. Saying you’re better than “insert stereotype here” sorority women is not the way to do that. That sorority woman with the Kate Spade bag could have saved for that bag for months and your sister out partying could have just aced her midterm exam. Being a party girl doesn’t necessarily mean someone doesn’t care about their grades. Being materialistic doesn’t mean a woman doesn’t give to worthy causes. No woman is just one thing and you don’t know any woman’s full story. The media already tears us down enough and though there are flaws in the Greek system we must work internally to overcome them. We aren’t in a cult and we aren’t all basic or fit some stereotype in your mind. None of my sisters are exactly alike and no sorority women I have met are either and that’s awesome! Let’s all stop tearing each other down and let us all just be.

6. It puts certain types of women on a pedestal whether they like it or not

Saying you’re not like other girls not only implies those other girls are unlikable but also that you are some sort of ideal specimen. This phrase sets up certain women to be placed on a pedestal that they most likely will never live up to. We all have bad hair days and we all make mistakes no matter how we look or act. The prettiest woman you know may be struggling from an eating disorder. The girl who gets all the guys may have mental health issues. Both women also may not want to deal with unnecessary attention from men who think they’re somehow better than other girls. They also don’t want to hear you talk about their ugly friend so please stop the disrespect and just walk away. Why would you ever think that’s ok?

7. It often sets up a stigma that having masculine traits is more desirable

New Girl’s Jess is a perfect example. Jess often discusses the hypocrisy of other women and men in her professional life assuming her girly style means she is somehow weak or unworthy of respect. She states that she loves puppies, girly drinks, and floral prints just as much as feminist rants. Zooey Deschanel herself also often has said she likes peter pan collars and being girly but identifies strongly as a feminist like her character. I think this particular argument is so important. What’s wrong about liking shopping more than watching football? Consider why we put down those who we see as girly or who hit, run, or sing like a girl. The fact that this phrase is such a part of our lexicon is beyond not ok.

8. It often makes claims that those other women are dramatic, overly feminine, or otherwise undesirable

Who’s to say Sharpay doesn’t deserve happiness in her life because she likes pink and is a bit of a diva? That’s just absurd. She deserves to find happiness just as Gabriella did after high school because knowing what you want and being a girly-girl doesn’t make you incapable of emotion. It also doesn’t mean there are no other facets of your personality and I think often we can forget that. That girl in your class wearing all pink could be in the ROTC or that girl out all night at the bars could have just aced all of her exams. You just don’t know, so why judge?

9. It is a phrase that can stop women from engaging with each other due to fear

This phrase is damaging for many reasons but the culture it supports is perhaps the most disturbing. As women we don’t associate with certain groups because we think of them only in terms of “the other woman”. Look past that veil and you could find a potential friend but you don’t know until you break down those imaginary walls.

10. It’s about as childish as saying other women have cooties

Aren’t we more mature than stooping to something so low as generalizations? Is it not just as childish to say someone has cooties as saying they are somehow an “other” not to be spoke of above whispers. How ridiculous.

What do you think? Should this phrase be retired? Comment below and let us know!

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• women