The 7 Men You Will Meet Online

Convinced that we were embarking on a journey to true love, we enthusiastically compiled profiles that were sure to communicate that we are, in fact, so amazing that we smell of roses and cake and shit rainbows on the regular (just kidding… girls don’t poop). As our inboxes filled with messages from prospective suitors, I couldn’t help but notice that the men on these sites seem to follow a certain trend. Each one falls into a role that crops up

over and over again, kind of like the traditional character roles in movies (you know, the heartthrob, the nerd, the evil villain, the hero, the wicked stepmother, and all that jazz). Naturally, I felt compelled to divide these fine gentlemen into categories. DISCLAIMER: Usernames have been changed to protect the privacy of these individuals, however the content of their messages is 100% genuine (also, consider yourself lucky that I actually pulled these messages out of my archives special for you).

The archetypal personalities of the online dating world are as

follows:

 

The Relentless One: Sadly, this poor guy seems painfully inept at reading social cues. Rather than writing out an actual description of this type, it felt more suitable to simply share an example:

 

 

 

 

I will give him this: I admire his tenacity.

 

The Nympho: On OkCupid there is a section called “Six things I couldn’t live without” and there is also another section called “I spend most of my time thinking about.” Inevitably, approximately 50% of the men whose profiles I visit seem to find it witty to include sex in these lists. If they’re extra special and unique, they might even call it “coitus” instead, because calling sex by any other name is far cleverer and automatically 10 times less inappropriate. Obviously. I can’t help but wonder if they realize that they’re completely missing their target audience with that one?

 

The Cheshire Cat: Never fails to open with some variation of, “Hey there! I love your smile!”

The Aspiring Photographer: Perhaps in an attempt to be coy or mysterious, this fellow’s profile features a photo album produced primarily using Mac Photobooth (or a phone) and filled with images of: the top of his head. The side of his face. His entire body, cut off at the neck. The dimple of his chin. Face with enormous sunglasses. Some scenery. His big-rig. A dog.

 

The Minimalist: Hey.

 

The Jaded Lover: This person has probably frequented online dating sites for far too long. He has grown embittered by the fact that women rarely respond to his sincere attempts to connect (probably because he is all 6 of these personalities wrapped into one) and has therefore decided to hinder his cause further by initiating conversations in the following manner:

 

 

And, finally…

The Average Joe: I can’t promise that his name will be Joe. What I can promise, though, is that he is capable of friendly, intelligible conversation and that his photo album contains pictures of his actual face, which may or may not be handsome (but didn’t your mom teach you not to judge a book by its cover?). He will probably open with a decently witty or perceptive comment regarding your profile, and if he’s lucky, he’ll snag your attention enough to get you to hit ‘reply.’

 

Although my friend and I burned out on the online dating thing pretty quickly, if you’re considering giving it a shot I encourage you to do so. The two of us just got bored and decided that making new friends on the 79x was more our speed. OkCupid does have its pros and cons, but online dating really isn’t as ridiculous as it used to be. The concept still gets a pretty bad rap, so I’m trying to do it a solid right now by throwing my support behind it and acknowledging that there are plenty of normal, well-adjusted people who choose to try out online dating for a multitude of reasons. You will have to wade through about 10 asshats per 1 average joe. BUT, maybe it will be worth it! After all, what’s the worst that could happen? Don’t answer that.