This morning, I woke up with Britney Spears’ song, “Toxic,” stuck in my head. Talk about a nightmare. At the end of March at age 29, she debuted her “most upbeat and mature album yet.” Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen.
On a heavier note, Spears’ song inspired me to tackle the issue of toxic relationships. I hope that this article serves as an inspiration to those of you who find yourselves lost on occasion. And if you’re at wit’s end with a friend who complains about their relationship, but refuses to leave it despite your support and encouragement, I hope that this article might give you clarity as well. I’d like to state a disclaimer up front: because this is a women-centered magazine, I’ve made all of these personalities male, but it’s important to remember that toxic personalities come in all shapes, sizes, and genders. Women can be toxic too!
Let’s start by defining and identifying the characteristics of a toxic relationship. Basically, it’s a relationship in which behaviors on the part of the toxic partner are emotionally (and sometimes physically) damaging to their partner. I’ve done the research and whittled it down to five toxic types. Let’s get to know them:
“Independent” Ian
Ian is an toxic controller who disguises his behavior by asserting his independence: “You can’t control me.” Ian makes his girlfriend feel insecure by rarely keeping his commitments and being essentially undependable. He avoids making concrete plans, and when his girlfriend asks for a commitment or expresses her feelings about his behavior, he accuses her of being controlling. Ian is a toxic individual because he makes his partner feel unsafe and insecure within the relationship; his unpredictable habits make her feel like she isn’t a priority. Anxiety over Ian’s behavior causes her to constantly try to “earn” his commitment, an effort that can be very emotionally draining.
Brian the Belittler
Brian belittles and depreciates his girlfriend by making fun of her when she tries to express her opinions, beliefs, and values, often teasing her about how stupid she is. When she asks him to stop, he will often respond with something like, “Chill out, I’m just kidding,” which makes her feel as though she is overreacting. Brian also has no qualms about doing this in public. When he belittles his partner, he leads her to believe that she can’t make good decisions and that her opinions are wrong or stupid. Sometimes, Brian will even go so far as to make her believe that she is “lucky” to be with him, because nobody else would want her.
Bad Temper Trevor
Trevor controls his partner using intimidation. He has a “hair-trigger” temper that makes his partner walk on eggshells around him because she never knows what is going to set him off next. She has given up on trying to disagree with Trevor. Sometimes he gets so angry that he yells, punches walls, throws and breaks things, or hurts her. Trevor tends to keep this side hidden from the world, and others often see him as a friendly, nice, likeable person. When his partner confronts him about the inappropriateness of his temper, he frequently blames his outburst on her. In doing this, Trevor disowns responsibility for his own behavior and successfully prevents his partner from feeling that she can discuss problems with him openly (not to mention the fact that his explosive temper just isn’t safe, period).
Paranoid Paul
Paul gets jealous easily. In the beginning of their relationship, she appreciated his jealousy and even felt flattered by it. Over time, however, Paul’s jealousy got out of hand, and he became more and more suspicious. He often accuses his partner of cheating and fabricates scenarios. He becomes outraged when she interacts with other men on any level. Paul is so paranoid and controlling that his partner is forced to cut ties with meaningful friends for invalid reasons. A little jealousy can be good for a relationship, but the line between cute and crazy is very, very fine.
Deflecting David
Sometimes, David’s partner tries to express that she’s hurt, angry, or upset over something that he did. But when she tries to tell him how she’s feeling, she somehow ends up comforting him and helping him cope with his own unhappiness, hurt, or anger. David manages to deflect ownership and turn his partner into the culprit instead. Unfortunately, she gets so caught up in comforting him that no one ends up comforting her. By avoiding validating her feelings, David neglects his partner’s needs and makes her feel guilty. Conflict aside, David often controls his partner by making her believe that she is “lucky” to be with him because no one else would love her, and sometimes he might even be verbally abusive to get his point across.
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Maybe some of you have met Ian, Brian, Paul, David, or Trevor. Maybe you’ve met all of them — although I hope not. It’s important to note that we all experience our partners behaving in some of these ways occasionally. The difference between whether it is typical or toxic lies in the frequency of these behaviors: if you find any of these habits to be the norm, then you are dealing with a toxic personality. Also, it’s not uncommon for an extremely toxic person to possess traits of all five of these characters.
If you’ve never been in a toxic relationship, you probably have a lot of trouble understanding why someone would stay in one. You might be the friend who gets frustrated because you cannot figure out why your friend doesn’t just leave already. While your reactions are understandable, I encourage you to consider the emotional damage that a toxic personality can inflict on someone.
“A toxic relationship does not have to be a physically abusive relationship,” says Caitlin Moulthrop, a 21 year old junior at UO, “but it can be having a partner who puts you down verbally, who is jealous of time spent with others, or who will do things for you and then use those things to make you feel obligated to be with them or do something for them.” She points out that “in these types of relationships, from experience with friends, I have found that there is a special bond or love between the people that keeps them together. At some point, your friend is going to come to the realization that this relationship is not good and that they deserve something better…But they will need to find this out in their own time.”
Sadly, it’s not uncommon that toxic personalities bring verbal, mental, and physical abuse into their relationships. Because of this, people stuck in unhealthy relationships have often become only a shadow of the person they were prior. They feel worthless, invaluable, stupid, selfish, insecure and unlovable. They are terrified that if they leave, they will never find someone who loves them again. Their self-esteem is so low, and their image of themselves is so distorted, that they genuinely believe that they don’t deserve better.
So, what can you do to help? Remind them persistently that they do deserve better. Remind them who they were before this relationship, and remind them that people (including you) will still love them when they end it. And above all, be patient, because it will take time and effort to bring them back. Usually, when someone is in an emotional deadlock with a toxic person, what their friends and family say will likely fall on deaf ears.
According to Caitlin, the best thing to do as a friend witnessing a toxic relationship is to “support your friend and let them know that no matter what happens, you will be there for them. Having that support can give somebody the strength they might need to get out of that relationship and give themselves a chance to be happy with who they are.” So even if you stop trying to get through to them, make sure that they know that when they are ready to take that step, they have a support system waiting for them. By doing so, you just might save them. And that, my fellow collegiettes™, would be monumental.