My whole life, I have always been stressed or had anxiety surrounding my birthday. It wasn’t that I hated birthdays in general; I loved my friends and family’s birthdays. I loved other people’s birthday parties. I loved the excitement of giving a gift and the excitement of singing happy birthday. But, for some reason, I always hated my own. Growing up, I would beg my mom not to throw me birthday parties because I said I didn’t like the attention. But of course, because I was only a 7-year-old child, I had no say. I have vivid memories of extravagant birthday parties like carnivals and even one year, my parents hired a scientist to come and teach 30 children how to make baking soda volcanoes. As I look back now as an adult at my birthday anxiety, it is not that I don’t love the attention, I am an extrovert. Of course, I love the attention, but my anxiety stems from the fear that the guests will not have fun at my birthday celebrations, the fear that my birthday will become a burden to some.
As I approach my 21st birthday this week, I have the same anxiety as 7-year-old Michelle. Every year around my birthday, I wonder if others suffer from the same feelings as I do. Recently, I was talking to my roommate Alyssa about how we both suffer from birthday anxiety. We wondered where these feelings stem from and why a day that is supposed to be a happy celebration can sometimes turn into a burden for the birthday girl or the birthday boy.
I came to the conclusion that I, like many others, do not like all the celebrations of me and on me. I grew up the youngest of three girls, and I was never the one to be the center of attention; I let my sister Nicole take that title. Thinking back, I really did not become the extrovert that I am now until I came to college, growing up with two older sisters will do that to you. But why is it that a baby comes into the world and we celebrate them? Like what did they do? Shouldn’t we celebrate the mother who carried that baby for nine months and then did all the work to get that baby out and into this world?
Long and strange tangent aside, 21 years into my life, I still have anxiety surrounding birthdays. Anxiety around disappointing people, anxiety around my birthday becoming a burden for some. Maybe I will never answer these questions, but I have decided to try to turn a new leaf for this upcoming birthday week. I have decided to embrace the birthday celebrations. Instead of pushing them away and curling up when someone gives me some attention, I will embrace the celebration.
I know that this birthday anxiety sounds quite ridiculous and unnecessary, but if anyone else out there struggles the same way, try to turn a new leaf this birthday and let people celebrate you for once!